Who gave you the right to judge?

I just wanted to say

Seriously?

My life is one big contradiction

Mind blowing.

Holy shit.

Fuck.

..

Jasperr <3

He wants to blog too!

The men who stare at goats is a stupid movie.. don't go see it.

I've been playing my guitar a lot lately.. it feels good to play again. I shouldn't have stopped in the first place.

Music makes me happy.
My friends make me happy.
Directing makes me happy.
Horror movies make me happy.
Love stories make me happy.
Basketball makes me happy.
Jasper makes me happy.
Super sexy Latin ballroom dancers make me happy.
Three rivers makes me happy.
The Yankees winning their 27th world championship makes me happy.
My girlfriend makes me happiest.

You hold together my broken world

I've never felt anything this overpowering.
Constant emotion.
Spending every waking moment full of this incredible feeling.


Daydreaming in Spanish. Playing out conversations from the night before in my mind. Reliving heart pounding experiences. Thoughts invading my mind.
Remembering:

The way you smile every time you see me, a smile that lights a feeling in me I couldn't even imagine before.

The way you hold me close. Letting me escape this twisted world. Reminding me that it will all be okay. Protecting me.

The way you tell me I'm beautiful. Almost making me believe it.. if only for a second.

The way you care so much about the little things. Things that wouldn't matter to anyone else. Making me feel like I matter.

The way you lace your fingers through mine whenever you get the chance. Making me feel loved.

Your eyes... that look at me with such honest emotion. Love so pure I can see it every time our eyes lock.

Your trust. You believe me without question. No one else does. It really means a lot.

The way you always try and make me feel better. You listen and deal with me when I'm at my worst. It still amazes me that you care that much.

The way you kiss me. Its electric.. full of both burning desire and the sweet softness. I can't describe it. Like I can tell that they're not just meaningless.. or based purely on lust. That you actually care. That you love me.

The way you can relax me in two seconds. Erasing the stress... making me forget everything except you.

The way you bring out the best in me. I'm a better person now because of you and I feel more like myself than I ever have before.

You gave me self worth, you continue to everyday. Helping me to understand that I might actually be worth something. I know that I can make it though this with you by my side. Your the reason I put the pills back in the bottle, the reason blood no longer fills my mouth. The reason I get up every morning. The only reason I'm alive.

I love you too much for you to even comprehend.
First, last, and forever baby <3

Intense.

Constant
Overwhelming
I cant escape it..
I dont want to. Do I?

This.

I've never felt more pain.. or joy.
I've never loved... or hated.. this much.


I cant escape
this feeling of regret
and guilt

but if i had to do it over i know in my heart... I wouldn't change a thing.

Mona your the besttt :D

Need i say more?

10.17.09 <3

Todayy is 10.17.09. Can you believe it? One whole year :)
I love you with all my heart.
You complete me.
You see how happy i look in that picture? No one can do that except you.
Baby you know me better than anyone else and yet you haven't turned your back on me. You know the real me and are still standing by my side. You let me pour out my heart and cry on your shoulder. You hold me close and kiss me soft.
You are my forever.


Last night:

Was pretty damn amazing.
It was one on my all time favorite nights.

When we were sitting outside just talking, it was really nice. You guys are the closest friends I've ever had. You both mean so much to me. I'm glad you were able to talk to us about it. You needed it.

It was so amazing to have my arm around you or lean on your shoulder.. or have your arm around me or you leaning on my shoulder. To just be with you. To feel like I belong.

And being alone with you... i don't have to tell you how incredible that was. You were there. Just thinking about it turns me on. We still have to talk about it later :D


All in all last night was one of the best nights of my life. All thanks to you. <3

You are my forever beautiful. I love you more than you can imagine.


and I'm going to do another one later.. but it'll probly be in an email.

Damn fast cars are hott

well more like the person driving...

Random ppl thing:

U think u kno me so goddamn well wen u rele have no clue. Try being me for a day, let's see how u handle it. I don't have the energy to fight all the time. I can't take it. Yet I can't let u win. It's not programed in me to just accept it and move on. Il put up with ur bullshit. But don't expect me to agree to things that are completly wrong. Please? I really can't take much more of this.

Whoever the fuck you are, go to hell. You don't even deserve that. Your a fucking worthless piece of shit.

I lovee you more than you can imagine babe

You try to tell me how to handle it but for some reason I can't seem to do it.

You can be an asshole sometimes but you need someone so I'll b there.

Are you ok? You don't seem ok. I miss u we never hang out or have fun or even talk anymore. I used to threaten to beat people up of they messed with you now it's more likely that someone else's older sibling will be beating you up. What happened to my amazing brother that cared about how he treated other people more than how many girls he could get. I want him back.

I'm craving you after that conversation

You are a really amazing friend.. Your loyal as hell and I'm pretty sure u'd b the one who'd help me bury a body.. Or be there at 3 am of I end up drunk somewhere

You made me cry on English today.. I've been there and I know how hard it was to stand up there and do that.

Your turning into one of my really good friends.

If only you relize how much what your doing hurts me.. Then again I'm worthless in your eyes so why would you care.

I miss our long talks about everything and anything. Laffing untill it hurts. Staying up untill six in the morning. Doing nothing except laying together. I miss you.

I wanted my project to be better. I wanted to be emotional and try to make everyone understand. I wanted you to feel the pain I felt. I wanted it to be real.

I think that's it for now.

17

17
surrounded yet alone
thoughts no one should claim pulsing through me
everything is cold, meaningless
everything except you
at the sight of you the fog lifts
remembrance washing over me
i can do this, i can do this for you
the pain fades from my existence
your presence teaching my heart how to love
my soul now open
now open, to an indescribable love
a love only you can create
dragging me out of the dark, you embrace my flaws
your warmth drowning my cold world
and your love flooding my longing heart
that will endlessly beat
for you

my poem for english.. and for you.

This girl is so damn incredible

So incredible that i broke into homecoming to spend it with her <3

Baby you mean so much to me. More than i can explain. When you're not around a part of me is missing. You take a piece of my heart every time you walk out the door. Making you happy last night was the best feeling in the world. What i wouldn't give to do that for you 24/7.

I love you with everything that I am beautiful and that will only change when forever ends <3

Concerts are my new addiction <3

Night of joy was amazing. Its been a long time since Ive just had fun and not worried about anything. I really needed it. You don't know how much.

Thank you for being you.

Thank you for listening.

Thank you for understanding.

10.17.08 <3

i love you baby. till the day i die <3

Are we ever who we want to be?

I don't know what is going on with me. I'm more of an emotional wreck than normal. My mind seems to be everywhere at once yet nowhere at all. I haven't slept well in i don't know how long, instead i spend hours and hours laying awake while my mind races. Maybe i need medication again. Maybe i just want it.


Soo i spent like all day working on creating the perfect flare board on facebook...


http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/profile.php?id=100000033570633&v=app_3396043540


you know you want to check it out.


Transformers was good... the parts i paid attention to anyway. Motorcycles were a great addition to that movie =P




Oh and for the record, I killed Jenny Schecter.



I want to steal you, hold you in my arms, and protect you from the world.

Rainbows make me smile :)

... and its not because I'm gay... honestly.

They're just so pretty.

Baby i miss you more than you can imagine

My heart hurts when I'm not with you. Baby i can't take this, why does it have to be so hard. Every little thing i do or say makes me think of you. I really really don't like summer. I just cant not see you everyday, it doesn't work for me. I miss you and I love you <3

Am i the only one that didn't know about Jordan and Lyndsey? and her skittles picture makes me laugh :)

I really want to see Transformers at midnight.
If you end up going to the beach Tuesday ill just see it twicee... i wont mind =P

I'm also superr physched to go to Jamie's in like a week. I need to get out of here for a while. Away from everything.


I beat fallout D= its awfulll i need to go find a new addictive RPG. But i don't think its possible to find anything that comes close to fallout and oblivion's standards...

I amazed myself the other day by just realizing that i type without looking at the keyboard... and like insanely fast. Only recently thought... like since summer started. Weird.

Mr. rainbowheartsmileman makes me happy.

My hoodie is nice and warm cause it just came out of the dryerr its amazingg.

That's all i have to say.

Imissyou&Iloveyou

Fuckkkk my fucking service isn't workinggg uggg

*yawn* life is more fun when your up all night and sleep during the day

i had a blast at Emily's. I needed to just have fun at not worry about anything for a while. It was nice.

Up is a really really cute movie. You should all go see it.

I am just starting to realize how much of a bitch you are. I thought i could trust you but apparently not. When i first met you you were this shy girl that i helped come out of her shell. I trusted you and told you all my secrets and completely opened up to you. I don't know what happened but somehow you turned into this person who thinks that the fact that you have more friends and are just so good at everything you do gives you the right to treat the people that were there for you in the beginning, who loved you without all your popularity and all the rest of that shit, like they don't matter. I didn't realize how much you changed. I confided in you but i should've known you would tell people even after swearing to me on everything you could think of. That's not something you go around telling people. I don't care if its your best friend or some random person. You told Morgan. I mean i really don't care if she knows but that is defiantly not your place to tell her. She should have found out from me or from Emily at least. But you? You had no fucking right. To tell anyone for that matter. I don't care how okay they are about it. You missed the whole point when you said that. You told me you had family stuff and that's why you didn't go to Emily's party, well that's total bullshit. You went to the beach with Katie. Because you don't do enough things with her that you had to miss it. One day Katie is going to do something or fuck you over and we're not going to be there. You treat us like shit. You don't deserve us.

When you go fight them call me, I'm there.

I love you all.

Spanish accents are fucking sexy

Damnn babyy

Just had to get that out there.

i didn't really do anything exciting today. I hung out around the house, played a little American Wasteland, and talked to my girlfriend like always. Nothing extraordinary.

Emily's party was amazingg. We swam, had a pretty kickass cake fight, and stayed up till 8 in the morning. I haven't chilled with Courtney in a while so it was nice to spend some time with her and catch up. She's probably going to come over sometime soon.

I'm psyched to go to Jamie's soon. I haven't been down in a while and it'll be good to get out of here for a week and just have fun. I really need it.

I miss you already beautiful. I'm going to go on Friday by the way =)

I feel like making a list.

Things i need to experience before death:

~ sky diving
~ go to Australia
~ race a really fast car
~ ride the top roller coasters around the world
~ sneak out
~ ditch school
~ stay out all night
~ take a cruise around the world
~ skate a vert ramp
~ go to a pride parade
there's tons more but i gotta get off blogspot =(

~i lovee you guys lots&lots

Omg I'm now craving brownie cookies and it's all your fault

I hatehatehate school

You know it was meant to be when you can't remember it being any different

Ipod post time! Aka check the comment losers

I'm sorry im not your view of normal

All i want is what everyone else has.

Is that so much to ask? Is it really so awful? As i sit here crying over the keyboard you have no idea what your doing to me. Am i really that horrible? What did i do to deserve this?

It's ironic that the T.V. show I'm addicted to hurts me so much. I cant stop watching yet every minute tears me apart. It shows me everything i crave yet am constantly denied. Lets me see how it could be. If everything were different. But of course i can never have it. And it means nothing to most of the world. I'm a mistake, not how it should be, i made the wrong choice, i should just pretend to be "normal" to make it easier on everyone else because that's more important than how i feel or what i want. News flash people you don't choose who you love. It just happens.

I'm so tired of lying. Of hiding. Pretending. Of laughing when someone makes a joke when it kills me inside. Because i know how it feels. What its like. And id give anything to change it.

You. the only reason I'm still here. why all this might actually be worth it.

Alliwantisyou~isthattoomuchtoask?

Everything i do, i do for you

-everything i do (id die for you) by Bryan Adams

I just heard that song. Apparently is was my parents wedding song. It made me smile.

Wow Adam is the shit. I'm watching American idol if you cant tell.

I miss you. Sure i see you five days a week but you know what i mean. I miss spending time with just you. Spending hours alone in my room just talking. Go camping and shopping. Seeing a movie with you every weekend. Being able to go over your house. The first month was amazing. I agree id give anything to have paused that night. Spent forever alone with you. Just you. It never is anymore. I wish it was different, id give anything for it, but I'm okay, ill get through it, because i have you.

South of Nowhere is my new addiction. Its amazing. Ive spent like $35 buying the first two seasons on itunes. Its relate able. It also makes me really want a car. Getting around the rules would be so much easier. It makes me envy people who can be together even with the parent forbiddenness barrier. God. i want it so bad. I know i talk about it to much but its hard when that's all i think about. Simple things like being able to hold your hand at school mean so much.

Basketball was fun today. We're the Storm for AAU. Yay off season games! And sexy new uniforms! I lovee are new offence i think its going to work very well. Its a motion offence with back screens and lots of V cuts. I shoot so well off the screen. Drill it every time. My legs are sore from the calf-lifty machine thing. We only had 30 minutes in the weight room though.

THAT ENGLISH TEST SUCKED. MAJORLY.

Ahh i couldn't get the meatball out of Mr. Meatball Man D=

People not know who they are thing:
-You turned into a dickhead. Figures you are male.
- No matter how much you think you do you have no idea how i feel
- Thank you
- I love you more than anything
- I need you in my life I'm so glad you don't judge
- Thank god
- I hatehatehate you
- You have no idea how much you mean to me
- How can you do that? I honestly cant fathom it.
- All my truth or dare answers are going to be different now.
- They'll actually be TRUTHS.

Just put it in an email!

I know its been like forever since I posted Ive just had a lot on my mind lately and I hate blogging when there are people in the living room that could possibly read over my shoulder what I'm writing. That wouldn't be good.

Last week was pretty rough for me. I spent all week focusing on one thing, no matter what I did I couldn't seem to get it out of my mind. I'm dealing with it though, I mean Ive been putting off dealing with it for a really long time its about time I did. I don't wanna blog about it though. I don't know. It makes it real. More real than it already is. I'm getting there it just takes time. It's sort of a relief too. I'm sick of lying. Even though I'm pretty kickass at it =D. Jamie really helped me clear my head and relax about it all. She needs to come up and do it in person i miss her loadsss.

So far my spring break has been pretty lamee. Ive been stuck at home i don't know why though, i could get someone to come over or something. Maybe tomorrow. Thursday could be amazing, or another day spent wishing it was different.

The concert is still gunna kickass even though it wont be the same and I'm disappointed but that's okay. They'll be other times.

i need to get out and do something. Anyone wanna do something tomorrow? After all you losers get home for Grace's that is.

I played a hardcore game of basketball yesterday with Zach, Kaleb, and my mom. It was pretty intense. I totally ownedd. Kaleb and I only lost by a point, ugggg. O well. My mom and I won the first game.

I'm going to go find something exciting to do. Right. Well I'm going to tryyy.

Cooper is the shit.

Yesterday was fun. I enjoyed hanging out after school and carline like normal. That always makes me smile. Then i went to taco bell with Grace and some yummy quesadillas. We watched a lamely not scary movie, but it was funny so it made up for it and played some rockband. It was pretty great.

Out poetry alive thing is gunna rock the world. Its pretty amazing.

Ive spent all day thinking about things. Some good, some bad. Some somewhere in the middle. Ive been thinking about that day that her parents found out. Do i regret what happened that day? No. Should I? I mean i hate that her parents know. Not even that they know so much, more like the way they reacted to it. Yet i don't regret that day. I don't know. I would've done the exact same thing if i got to do it over again. This isn't making much sense I'm all over the place. I'm just going to stop now.

Grace was here :D

Coach K is fucking hardcore

He does realize that we don't start playing till October right? And he does know that its only March. Oh well i guess its going to pay off in the long run. I haven't been this sore in a long time... actually i don't know if I've ever been this sore. Every muscle in my body hurts. If you just touch my arm it hurts. And i have to go back on Friday and do it all again. I need to work out the soreness before then but i probably wont.

Yay we went to Dlights today. It was yummy.

I have no idea what I'm going to draw for my garden thing in art. I want it to be creative but i cant think of anything. I would put a really cute puppy... cause i have a weakness for puppies =D but i cant draw that. And i don't want it to be all normal happy garden ish. Maybe ill make it like a horror crime scene thing. With blood and guts and shit. That'd be kool. I don't know if i can draw that though.

I did okay with my speech today except for my fucking voice wouldn't stop shaking so it sounded like i was going to start crying or something. Grace said it made it sound like i really cared about what i was talking about. Which i did. But not I'm going to start crying when i talk about it caring. Everyone said it was good though. I don't if that's enough to get me a good grade. Plus i was like 15 seconds short. I think it did an okay job writing it. I don't know. I was really paying attention to how people were reacted. I was to busy trying to stop my voice from shaking and remember what i was supposed to be saying. I wanna know my grade like now.

My daddy just bought a sexy new laptop. Too bad i cant touch it since its just for graphics. It has vista though. Nasty. He should've got a mac.

Recently Ive come to a realization: I want to be here. It is worth it. Thank you for saving me.

This was from 3/16 i decided to post it cause i dont know what else to do with it

I cant do this.
Just getting through the day requires such an effort.
I want to close my eyes and never wake up. Put an end to all this pain. Everything hurts all the time. The only time i find relief is when I'm with her and with that limited to only art god. i need her all the time not just during school. i live for that hour everyday. everything else is hell. I'm either fighting with my mom or crying. what kind of life is that? I know my dad is praying that i get over this "phase" am i not good enough the way i am? I mean i know I'm fucked up. N i suck at everything there is. And I'm stupid. AndI'm fat. And I'm not worth it. And I'm meaningless. And i don't deserve to live. What was i talking about again? O yeah, but cant u just accept who i am? please?

Why should i keep going when all there is is hurt?
Why should i burden other people with knowing me?
Why should i be with you, i cause you so much pain u deserve better. much better.
Would anyone care? besides her.
Is there anyone else who gives a damn?

I haven't been to counseling in a really long time. Since before i came out.*sigh* if only we had health insurance.

When will the pain end?
When i make it end? No. You cant. Don't think about it. Fuck.

I've been busy experiencing the world after nuclear war

AKA playing fall out 3. The most amazing game on the planet. You take my two favorite games: Gears of War and Oblivion and out them together and get Fall out. Yep I'm a total Xbox dork =P

The Knowing is an fantastical movie. I really liked it. Cept i need an explanation about what the rocks had to do with anything...
Cept there were some let downs that day but that's okay it still made me happy.


I have like my whole art project still to do and I'm not going to end up working on it till Sunday night. I haven't eaten Taco Bell all week. I should get a prize.

I realized recently that there are so many things i still want to do in my life and I'm scared of it ending before i get there. And I'm scared of dying actually. Which is weird for me. I guess its kind of a good thing. This is making no sense I'm just typing what i happen to be thinking at that exact moment. But oh well. My dad needs the computer so i guess thats it for now. W.e

I'm so sorry, for everything.

Mrs Mosby officially knows nothing about anything. She acts like she knows everything there is to know about depression/suicide when obviously she has no fucking clue. That was a fantastic way to start my morning considering the night before. Half of the people in my class can go die because how can they have opinions like that if they haven't been in that situation. How can they be so ignorant that they think they have it all figured out and that anyone who ever thinks about suicide is a completely awful person, "how can they be so selfish, don't they know what it does to everyone around you?" And for the record every time that someone says something that could be even remotely related to suicide in the slightest way you DON'T have to run and tell everyone that you know, you might be over reacting just a little.

I was already in an awful mood when i woke up this morning cause of staying up late and having an awful dream besides i was already feeling like shit when i went to sleep so when i had to sit and listen to everyone talk about how awful suicide is for an hour i had pretty much given up on the day.

English my mood didn't change while i sat there and didn't pay attention to the movie at all, lost in my own awful thoughts.

Science sucked like usual. Except i have a B =D which means my grades might actually be decent this nine weeks.

Art was good only because i got to see her and take a break from it all, and when you played with my bangs baby it made me happy, thanks i needed that.

Lunch was okay because i was starving and i got to eat and talk and try and forget.

Spanish was boring which left me thinking all class again. I think i did good on the test though.

Computers has to be the most boring class ever created. She cant teach. Projects suck and it takes a year to end.

Basically my day sucked. I did blog yesterday by the way i just didn't post it. I don't think you guys should have to read it. It'll only hurt you.

I'm not going to be able to look at a mini without thinking about that

Aren't blogs supposed to be for writing whatever you happen to be thinking at the time? i think so. so here goes nothing.

i cant believe how sure i am about spending my life with you. Honestly i cant even imagine being with someone else. kissing someone else. telling someone else i love them. No. There is no doubt in my mind that i will never be with anyone but you. We've been together five months and it feels like a lifetime. i cant wait for the day when we can tell people yea we've been together since 9th grade, we made it through everything. When i can act like your girlfriend in public. when we can move in together. when i can buy you presents, like sexy cars. when i can marry you and be proud to call you my wife. i think about all this all the time its about time it ended up in here.


i decided I'm going to come out to my grandma. you have no idea how nervous that makes me. i used to tell her everything about my life so it feels wrong to hide such a huge part of me from her. i want to be able to talk about it with her. But I'm terrified of how shes going to react. Is she going to be able to look at me as Jocelyn, the same person that shared everything with you or is she not going to be able to get past the fact that I'm in love with a girl? Is she going to think I'm going to hell. Is she going to even wanna talk about it with me? Am i even going to be able to tell her? Will i have enough guts to be like o yea i think you should know that I've been dating Ana for 5 months? *sigh* Is she going to be hurt that i kept it from her? God i dont know. But i have to do it. I cant take lying to her anymore. Wish me luck.

Hey guess who's going to get her permit this weekend?! =D

i just played rockband. i was like killing the drums to get out my frustration and my muscles were tense the whole time so now I'm like incredibly soreee. But it was very stress relieving.

Holy shit its 1?! Damn.

Random shit.

- today turned out really good
- i got a kiss, a really really good one
- i have a b in algebra yayyy =D
- aww my puppys looking at me like pleasee pet mee im so adorablee
- i eat taco bell waaay too much
- i fucking hate mrs smith
- baby one day i'm going to wear black and brown together just to annoy you =P
- i need a good grade on this spanish test. like extremly
- OMFG clara you have the worst timeing everrrr
- i hate staying home
- your bangs looked really good today
- i wish my speech was a hell of a lot better
- i so could concentrate... maybe
- your such a dickhead
- i like having your taste in my mouth, it reminds me of how amazing kissing you is
- we should finish those bets tonight
- my knee hurts soooo bad
- wow im so pale. ugh.
- this really isnt a phase but i guess you'll relize that soon enough
- ive decided im going to tell you
- oh yeah baby what were you gunna tell me from art?
- you do know she's mine right? you better.
- you can act like it doesnt bother you at all but i know that your counting on me getting over it
- i wish you could help me study. and i would actually study for a little while
- 4 days till 5 months =)
- someone needs to have a party. like now.
- i miss youu wakee upp lmao

Im in a survey mood.

and since i cant post them on myspace anymore ill post them hereee

So from now on, your going to be asked unique questions, you ready?​​
hellz yea dudee

Have you thought about an ex today?
​​nope

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?​​
at home and she better be writing her essay and not sleeping =0

Could you date someone who lived in another state?
​​i could but i really really dont want to

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
​​​​​​again. i could but i really really dont want to

Who was the last person to text you?
My baby =)

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
The last time somebody asked me​​

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?​​
hmm... today

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
most likely but i really dont give a shit

Do you laugh a lot?
Yepp

Do you consider yourself lucky?
​​Ha right. Lucky.

Why did you last cry?
Last night. Cause of what i was thinking about.

Do you think you're pregnant?
​Ummm hell no.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
my lip pierced. N itd look pretty damn sexy too =P

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Idkkk id have to think about it

Could you cry right now?
i always can

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
​​*sigh*

In the past week, have you cried?
​​These questions are not very nice.

Have you ever been awake for 2 days straight?​​
Naw id think so but pretty close

What are the things you've heard people say about​ you?
oh god.

Are you friends with your exes?
​​Not really

If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
Ummm idkk any ideas?

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend​?
​​​​​​i have a girlfriend =)

Are you mad at someone right now?
not at the moment

Who has the same phone as you?
No one has this old fonee but lots of people have a chocolate and i still have minee... it just doesnt work

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
​everyday

Do you have an older brother?
​​nope he's younger

Are you Irish in any way?
definatly not

Do you believe in karma​?​​
sure i guess

Did you have a good birthday this year?
​​You have no idea how incredible it was =)

Have you ever been in a hotel room with a friend of the opposite sex?
umm besides like family friends and shit no

Are you okay with the life you live?​​
I wish it was different.

Last person you told a secret to?
i dont really tell secrets. I just happen to pour my heart out to certain people.

How many true friends you got?
honestly like 4

Do you text/call during class?
​​​pshhh of course not

Do you live in a "ghetto" neighborhood?
​​​​​​​​​​​lmao nopee

Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend?
​​Not that i know of

Do you have a fear of taking tests when you are not prepared?​​
Not really i mean i get like oh fuck im gunna fail but doesnt everyone.

Aww that was boringgg. O well. Im supposed to be writing my speech. Which i probly wont finish till wednsday night at like 3 in the morning but whateverr. I did write some babyy i promise.

Aww ive gotta get off. *sad* maybe ill post laterr

I can't see why I'd do anything without you

So i just got homee from seeing that one shopping movie. The movie was okay i guess she wore some awful outfits and waaaay to much orange but i wasn't really paying attention anyway. It was really nice to just be with her. To be able to hold her hand and lean on her shoulder. You have no idea how much I've missed that. I'm in an amazing mood right now. I'm like high on life. I think I'm going to go write after i finish this =)



You made me happy today, you saw how much i smiled. Thank you. Its been way to long since I've smiled like that.


*comes back a day later to finish*

I just went outside and worked out. I feel good like i always do after a good practice. My shots were falling and I'm sweaty and breathing heavy, its a good feeling. That probably sounds weird but oh well. Its like i feel accomplished i guess i don't know. I love the after practice/game/workout feeling. Anyway i skated down my driveway for a little while before i came in and I'm in a really good mood now. I feel like i could take on the world. Maybe ill challenge Zach when he gets home, he hates it when i win. I wish we had a pool. I'd love to jump in one right now. I'm having a pretty good weekend. Well compared to how my weekends usually are.

I'm gunna go do something amazing. I just have to figure out what.

Home alone.

Its nice having the house all to myself. Well actually its only nice to have my family not bothering me every second of everyday. I personally hate being alone. Even if I'm just going to the other room i like to take someone with me. Its sort of a personal fear i guess. More like i don't feel comfortable unless I'm with another person. Yet i like being home alone. I just have to constantly talk to someone to reassure myself if that makes any sense. I guess I'm just afraid of being left alone all together.

I just wrote a whole paragraph and then deleted it. I couldn't seem to explain what i was trying to say. I'm just going to say this: I cant get that thought out of my head.

I got some pretty sexy purple hair dye the other day. If i ever get around to using it it'll be pretty damn hot.

Why am i so tired all the time? I mean i know that i could get more sleep but i take lots of naps and sleep really late on the weekends that should make up for it right? No. Instead I'm constantly tired. I never have the energy to do anything, more like the motivation to anything. Which is why its been weeks since Ive worked on my shot or lifted or ran. I put all this work into basketball this season and I'm letting it go to waste by just sitting around. I actually cared this season and pushed myself to do things that i never would have thought possible. Being able to run ten laps as a warm up everyday became second nature, not a big deal. In October i didn't think it was possible to earn a starting spot. But i spend hours working on my shot until it started to fall wherever i took it. I became a shooter. Mentally i knew that i could make it and i started shooting when i was on the floor. My assists and rebounds doubled from the beginning of the season and dammit it felt good to actually be good at something. But now I'm doing nothing to become a better player. I know that i need to start lifting all the time if i want to play varsity but instead i don't. I don't even have a good reason. What the hell is wrong with me? It felt good to play on a winning team. To be able to beat teams we were afraid of playing a year ago. Why am i letting all of it go to waste? I wish i knew. I care i really do am i just really that lazy? Why didn't i play softball or track? To give me something to do to keep me in shape. I need to keep running in order to get better. I want to score double digits every game. I know that its possible if I'm wiling to work. But am i?

Anyway tomorrow could be a really good day. I really need that right now. Lets hope.

Random thought: damn hes hot why didn't i know about this?

List townn

My loves:

- my babyyy
- my amazingg friends
- the New York Yankees and my boy Jeter
- blogspot
- writing music
- basketball
- all my music
- my phone
- to write love on her arms
- myspace
- the secret life
- art class
- xbox
- making movies
- cheese its
- romantic movies
- converse
- tight jeans =P
- purple&black
- the heat who fuckn own the magic baby =)
- dyed hair
- huskies
- skateboarding
- and GOOFBALLS

My... not loves:
- algebra
- biology
- losing
- distance
- heartbreak
- computer projects
- getting bad grades
- being treated like I'm someone I'm not
- school food
- being sick
- wondering what people think of you
- staying home on the weekends
- waiting
- homework
- people who think they are better than everyone else
- gossip
- not being able to draw
- the way i look
- having to lie as much as i do
- not being able to drive
- my annoyingly lame running skills
- fighting with my mom
- not having my phone
- missing you
- people trying to keep us apart

Best words everrr:
- foreverness
- fantastical
- beautiful
- baby
- love
- turnontastic
- intense
- fuckfuckfuck&fuck
- sexyyy
- superfuntastical
- delicious
- adorablee
- chainsaw city
- ninjaishhh
- fantastilistic
- dream
- Ana&Jocelyn


My dreams:
- see a game at Yankee stadium
- go to Australia
- direct a major motion picture
- move away from here
- own a mini cooper
- to get someone amazing to play one of my songs
- to tell my family what they need to know about me
- to be open with the world someday
- but most of all to spend it with her.
- and all the rest of them that you guys don't need to know about...

Being sick sucks. majorly.

Random thought thing:

You think that you know me inside and out but if you really did you wouldn't treat me the way you do. You don't know how i feel no matter how much you think you do. You cant possibly understand what is going on inside my head when even i don't most of the time. Instead you think that everything in my life is trivial and i need to stop freaking out over the little things. Honestly i would like to see you try and deal with what i have to everyday. Its not just my so called "obsession" as you put it, its things you don't even know about but i know if i try and tell you you'll just think I'm being over dramatic and that i don't really feel like that. Even if you read this, all you would do is shake your head and tell me that my problems are nothing compared to what you go through everyday. That i have no idea what the real world like. Ive been trying to make an effort to stop the fighting but the only way i can think to do that is to not share my opinion about what i feel everyday and to stop telling you about my life. If that's what you want. Fine. We wont fight any more but you wont even know me.


I appreciate that you treat me like what I'm feeling matters. That maybe there's some truth in what i say, and that you try to take my side in some arguments even though you know its just going to get her mad at both of us. I know that you're trying to understand even if you don't agree with some of my opinions on the situation. So thank you. Without you my life really would be hell. You show be that i need to just relax and try and have fun every once in a while. I know that you don't realize what you mean to me, but if it wasn't for you i don't know what I'd do.

i want to know your honest feelings toward me. I may be taking it the wrong way but i really think its more than you let on. You say things that make me question if your hanging out with me holding on to the hope that it could someday be something more. and I'm sorry but that's not going to happen. I'm taken, but you know that. And if i am reading into it way too much than your just really creepy, you shouldn't say that stuff to people.

You've been there through it all and i know that i can count on you to drop everything and talk to me or come get me if i end up in a ditch somewhere. Your more than my friend. Your my sister. We don't talk everyday anymore or even every week but your always going to be a part of my life. I know i can totally be myself around you and I'm not afraid to tell you whats on my mind cause i know you wont judge me. You've been the constant in my life through all this shit. The one person that i know will be there. Your pretty amazing. Lovee you lots.

You are the only person in this world that knows everything about me. The one person that i completely trust. The only person who can make me feel better when I'm down. You actually make me feel good about myself. The reason i haven't done somethings i shouldn't even be thinking about. You make me happy everyday, bring a smile to my face that's actually an honest I'm happy smile. According to my dad my face lights up every time i open my phone and read a text. The way you look at me, like there isn't any thing in the world you'd rather be doing, like i actually matter, baby that look, i can't even describe how it makes me feel. Something i haven't felt in a really long time. Self worth. You make me into the best person i can be. I cant help but smile when I'm around you. Your the best thing that's ever happened to me and i plan on holding on to you forever. I love you beautiful. More than life itself.

Pain.

Omfg my ankles hurt so bad. God please make it stop.

So I'm totally fucked since i was supposed to present today in computers. But i just couldn't take it anymore. I feel awful there's no way i was going to make it all the way through school. I barely made it through 1st and 2nd period with passing out or throwing up or both. So now I'm home alone crying out cause my joints hurt so bad. Is that normal? i don't think so.

I cant really think right now about anything other than how relieved i am to be home. I don't think i could take school today especially since shes not there. There isn't anything to get me through this class or that one. No light at the end of the tunnel. And with this pain? There was no fucking way.

Nick & Nora's infinite playlist:

• i want a night like that
• really? you couldn't find anywhere better than an ice room?
• Teaching her how to kiss him sounded fun =P
• I just wanna hold your hand- hes so right. that's really all i want, to just be with her
• The cover is pretty sexy, I'm thinking bout trying to recreate something like it in photoshop
• FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK... most common word
• Book Nick and movie Nick are totally not the same
• Getting walked in on sucks doesn't it?
• Such a moment killer
• I want a kool gay guy friend
• Neither of them are 100% straight, there's no way
• What no nasty gum in the book?
• I want a sequel

Dreams.

They show us what we want life to be like. Everything we wish for can come true as soon as we close our eyes. And its an amazing feeling to know that those dreams actually have a real shot at coming true. I had a really good dream last night and i cant wait for it to come true.

My day was actually pretty good today. I goofed off with my brother and made a totally kickass action movie. Ever tied your brother to a tree and pretended to stab him? Its pretty great =) Cept is was really cold outside and my fingers were like frozen which made texting reallyyy hard. Maybe ill upload the movie at some point after i finish editing it. I'm actually proud of it. That doesn't come around very often.

Besides that i watched a lot of Terminator and got caught up, that shows pretty funny if you ha vent seen it. Robots playing with transformer guy toy things are pretty great to watch. And i beat all the left 4 dead campaigns. Yes I'm a dork, but can you kill over six thousand zombies in one day?

Random thought: Safetysuit is the shit. and the new ADTR CD is pretty amazing.

I'm sorry.

I'm not who you want me to be.

I wish you could see how hard i try, to be that person that i don't think i can ever be. No matter how bad i want to. I wish i could change it really i do. Or at least make you understand. You think you have me all figured out when honestly you have no idea. If only you knew how i felt everyday or even tried to take what i say seriously and not just pass it off as me over reacting or blowing everything out of proportion. Which i admit i do but when i actually try to explain to her that i hate every second of my life and i don't know how to change that all she can say is that that's the whole point. What the fuck?? The point is that i don't know how to be happy? That's really helpful, i know exactly whats wrong with me now. Thank you so fuckn much.


So we yelled and cried all the way home and when we got there i went straight to my room and spent the rest of the night laying in the dark pretending to sleep listening to the rest of my family talk and laugh and have a good time. Why cant i be like her? Getting over a fight in like ten minutes and relaxing and actually enjoying myself?

Because i cant. Enjoy myself. I don't know why, i wish i did. Instead i have to obsess over what just happened. Dream about it whenever i close my eyes. Even when i try and distract myself by talking to her its still there. Its going to take a week before i can get over it. I wish i knew why.

And the twisted part? i actually was exited to tell her that i brought up all of my Cs to Bs. I wanted her recognition so bad. I wanted her to be proud of me. But instead it all ended up in another fight. She acts like i wanted it to happen. Like i live to argue with her. Yes that's all i want in life, to scream and cry and resent myself. I just fuckn love it.

Boredom

Soo I'm stuck here at the library and i thought id blog and put off doing my homework.

People annoy me... people who think there better than everyone else. i mean seriously dude I'm sorry you think this person or that person is just so awful or bitchy i really don't give a shit. Honestly go gossip to someone who cares.

I'm gunna do that random not directed at anyone in particular thing.

♥ You need to get over yourself
♥ I' m really trying i wish you could see that
♥ I'm sorry i hurt you... but you hurt me too
♥ I love you
♥ I wish i could tell you
♥ I'm sorry, so sorry
♥ I'm afraid, no matter how many times you reassure me
♥ I don't know how long i can take this before i go completely insane
♥ i miss you
♥ I wish you could know, everyone I'm tired of secrets and lies
♥ You really are beautiful i wish you could see it
♥ Some of the things you say kinda creep me out....
♥ All i want is you.
♥ My stomach hurts i should probably eat something

Ok i gotta go walk over to the gym but more later this is getting addicting

My eyes are going to look great in the morning

crying... once you start you just cant seem to stop.

how am i supposed to do this?
it doesnt seem possible.
ill just live everyday with no expectations, than maybe my heart wont hurt as bad

Addiction.

Can you be addicted to a person?
Cause this sure seems like an addiction.


addiction (noun)
to physically or mentally need something

if that is true than i am completely addicted.
i cant function... think... i stopped caring about everything but her.

why should i care? all i want in life is to spend it with her. i cant live without her so why should i try? Who gives a shit what my algebra grade is? all i want to know is when i can see her. When i can turn off autopilot and actually feel and care and smile. When living isn't a chore but a blessing. I fell completely in love. and i thought maybe i really did have a chance at happiness, something i never thought possible. But no. that would just be to right, and fair. Instead i have to spend hours of planning to get around the rules because apparently I'm such an awful person that her parents cant even look at me. There really isn't a worse feeling in the world than predjudical hatred. I don't know any other way to describe what it is.

I mean really cant they see how happy she is... was. Isn't that what they're supposed to care about? Her happiness. But no, apparently not. All they care about is what everyone will think. Honestly who gives a shit what the world thinks. If they cant deal with it its their problem not ours. but whatever. we'll have to go on lying to them if they cant deal with it.

The pain of separation is more than i ever would ever have imagined and i know most likely it will only get worse until years from now. But we can get through it, we have to.

Now why wasn't i at school today?
because i lied and said i did all my homework so i could go to the track meet. Which turned out to suck majorly. I got to hang out with her for like 10 minutes and then her mom showed up and i had to disappear. I could see her she was only a few feet away yet i missed her so much.

Anyway i told my mom i would get all my homework done and i was fully planning on it, but then i fell asleep before my parents went to sleep which is when i was going to do it, after they fell asleep. So i woke up in the morning without my essay done and a awful headache. So i played off my headache a lot and convinced my dad to let me stay home. Because my grade in health can not afford a zero and i really would like to not completely fail school. So because I'm a complete idiot i had to stay home and was deprived of my happiness for the day. O well. Who needs happiness anyway.

Insane.

What really is the definition of insane?
am i there yet...
will i ever be?



Insanity.
Is it a life long thing...
can you get more insane than you already are?

Does questioning your sanity make you insane?

Just random thoughts.



Life is hell. Every second of it seems to be never ending... except for those few moments that make it all worth it. But will i be able to make it there? Will i last that long? i don't know. Honestly waking up every morning is an accomplishment. School is torture... yet its better than being home. Seeing my friends... her, make it manageable. I spend every class watching the clock, counting down the seconds till art, lunch, or carline. Those mere minutes are what get me through life. I might actually smile, an honest i actually am happy at this very second smile. Yet I'm sad cause i know that it has to end, making me never really truly happy. But who is anymore.

Are you? Or do just pretend. Put on a face and nod and smile... wishing you were like them. Them. Who don't have to worry about what the world will think or if they're going to break down crying right then and there. Them. Everyone wants to be like "them."