Raw: September 2011

My mom is talking on the phone to my dad about money. And divorce. And she's really angry... I'm going to have to spend like an hour cheering her up. Maybe a disney movie.

The only people that flirt with me are either:
Straight.
Confused.
Freshman.
Or living 1234567 miles away from me.

Its really frustrating. Like a lot.

This weekend was really good actually... considering everything. I had a blast with Clara and Sammy on friday and I got some hella rad shades :D

Yeah, you're jealous.

And Ryan and John slept over on saturday... I love those kids.
I can't wait till Ryan moves in. That's going to be fun.

Lion Kinggg was so goodd in 3D. So so good.

I hope my paper for Rappa is okay. I mean I need at least a B.

Senior Pictures.

July 29, 2011 at 13:34 · Filed under life and tagged: daughter, graduation, lgbtq, life, memories

Today is a bit sad for me. My oldest is going for her senior picture today. I know that all parents say that it goes by so fast and it’s an amazing journey, but, seriously this was/is.

My daughter is probably the strongest, most generous person that I’ve ever known. She “came out” in her freshman year and I witnessed a combination of the worst of our society and the best of it. To this day I am still disgusted at how cruel people can be when things don’t “fit” into their vision. I saw people who had welcomed her in their home for years all of sudden cast her out as if she had a disease that might spread to their family. And on the flip side I witnessed some of the most beautiful moments of acceptance and love. But, for the most part, the first two years of HS for my daughter were the most difficult of both of our lives.

As a parent you want to protect your children from everything. You only want them to be happy, joyous, filled with laughter. And then, you realize that you can’t control any of it. As a mother, it can be a very difficult thing to accept. As a mother of a gay teenager, it is excruciating.

Those who get to know my daughter quickly realize that she is truly one of the most compassionate people on the planet. She really does just want to “fix the world” so that we can all get along. I’m proud to say that she gets that from me. But, she puts me to shame. She wants to please, hates to see people in pain, and truly feels the emotions of it all. She will protect her friends, stick up for her enemies and through it all not think about herself for one single second.

And then, she will feel the pain of it all. The anguish. The emptiness. The realization that this world will never truly accept her. That there will always be somebody, something, that will make her feel “less”. And it will crush her. And then it destroys me. The despair, the helplessness, the torment.

She wears her heart on her sleeve and bleeds for the pain of it. I am the opposite I think. I feel the pain, the anguish, the emotions, very intensely but then I put them away and find the next beautiful, amazing thing that brings me laughter and joy. I am a glass half full person. I notice the way the sky looks gorgeous today, the tiny little creature that has decided to find a home on the window sill and the way the wind is rolling through the trees. I would give it all up, every ounce of it, if I could take the pain that echos in her eyes.

For the last 17 years I have encouraged her to embrace the differences in the world, including her own, to celebrate it. And while I know that she will always internalize, always mourn the pain that found its way into the depth of her soul and flashes anew when yet another person judges or rejects her, I also know that she will come back from it. She will use it and it will make her stronger. It won’t take a piece of her like it used to do.

The greatest artists “feel” through their works and she is already doing that. She wants to be a film director. And in today’s world of digital everything, she wants to learn the art of it. No two year technical school that teaches mechanics will see her name on an application. It’s not enough. It’s not the true form of movie making. She is a storyteller.

She has been one since birth. I still remember her sitting on the floor of her room at 3 years old. “Characters” all around her “acting out” the next big movie in her head. No limitations, just imagination.

And now, that imagination is fueled with painful emotions. Last year one of her school projects hit close to home. I had to look away the first time I watched it through. The emotion was too raw, too recent and too close to my worst fears.

*Rumors kill was embedded here*

Thankfully, that time in her life is over. She came out on the other side of it all a stronger, happier person. I know that she still goes there sometimes, that people still make her feel horrible and that she still wants to fix the world.

But, the difference now is that she actually believes that she can do it. As a parent, you can’t ask for anything more than that. I always believed.

And that is just one small snapshot view. There were so many happy, joyous memories. She loves to laugh, loves animals, music, playing guitar, video games, blogging, travel and like her mom is very much addicted to TV/Film. I am truly blessed to have such a great relationship with her and will treasure this last year of school.

So, this day is bittersweet for me. My beautiful girl has one more year at home and I can’t help but miss her already.

I love you Joc and I will always be PROUD of you, always believe in you and always I will try to protect you. I hope you have the most amazing senior year.

I love you so much mom and you have no idea what this meant to me.