Resolutions?

I know i'm supposed to have the long list or whatever but I don't really. 2010 was crazy for me. It seems like it lasted 10 years instead of just one. I'm so glad to be out of it. To try and put everything that happened in the past. It wasn't all bad though. There were lots of good things thrown in.

2010

I made a mess of just about every friendship I had

I had breakdown after breakdown

I tore up my skin and bit my lips till they bled

I used hotsauce as lipgloss and hairties as relplacements

I lost interest in pretty much everything I cared about

I came out to pretty much the world, well the world that didn't know

I made a bestfriend that I trust with my life and has helped get through all of this.

I rekindled old friendships

I failed my driving test twice

I went to Maine and got out of here for a little while

I came out to my hardcore marine uncle and he didn't freak out, just told me she was cute and that he approved

I realized how lucky I am to have my family

I went to amazing concerts with my amazing girlfriend

I still have that amazing girlfriend

I fell back in love with film making

I became okay with myself... for the most part.

All I want from 2011 is for it to be better than 2010. And I think it will be, in fact I know it will be.

She's cuterr

I love you babygirl

I love my family

My family being here makes me miss New England... well being around family. And I mean all of them. The family that has huge clam bakes and gets together every christmas eve. I miss that. I miss being on that cruise ship with all of them there. With everyone that's scattered across the country in one place. They amaze me. How amazing and accepting and perfect they all are. I'm so lucky to have them. To be able to have my girlfriend over my grandparents house for dinner, and introduce her to my aunt and uncle and cousin and have them treat her like part of the family. I know how lucky I am. Thank you. Thank you for being so amazing.

And baby? You fit right in.

.

Yesterday

Was amazing. Really really amazing.

I love you babygirl.

We really needed that, just being able to spend all that time together.

You make me so happy. So so so happy.

I'm so lucky to be yours.

You wish your girlfriend was as hot as mine :)

I'm too lazy to flip it so turn your head :P

The Runaways Dead end Justice with lyrics (Kristen and Dakota)

Kristen's voice is delicious.

Ryan :)

He's the best ever.

I need to own this movie

I'm pretty sure I'm gunna buy it today.

Best movie ever.

My girlfriend

Is the cutest fucking thing on this planet. Juss sayin.

I love you babygirl.

I love the webcam on my new laptop.

Today was really nice.

I love my family, all of them. It's nice to have them in florida.

I got lots of cool stuff :)

But my Heat gear is the best, right babe? ;)

This.

I don't know what to say anymore.
I know I cant change your mind.
I know that nothing I say can do anything about it.

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry for caring.
I'm sorry for not being able to sit here and watch the person that I love turn into a completely different person.
I'm sorry for wanting to help you.
I'm sorry i can't just sit here and let you do whatever you want.
I'm sorry for finally saying what I feel.

And I hate myself for believing you for a second. You're not going to try and do something about it. Instead you're going to keep going until there's nothing left.

I told you all I knew how to say.

I'm sorry I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry I'm not enough to help.
I'm sorry I can't make you feel better anymore.
I'm sorry that I can't fix this.
I'm sorry I can't make you see how beautiful you are.

I need to numb the pain. Just a little.
I'm sorry I'm not strong enough not too.

History Project

http://www.youtube.com/user/WickeddSickk17?feature=mhum

It's pretty awful, but it makes me laugh :)

December bitchh

My birthday's in a month, crazy right?
Today was really nice. For the most part anyway. There isn't a better feeling than having you in my arms. It feels just as amazing now as it did years ago when I couldn't even get up the guts to tell you.

Ahaha Ryan flirted with the gay guy at Taco Bell so we got extra large drinks.

Universal for my birthday? Harry Potter land? A gryffindor scarf? Yes please.

My dino puzzle high score in math today was 1605. Maybe I'll beat it tomorrow. Sounds much more appealing than algebra.

I actually did chemistry today. You know if I actually applied myself I'd probably have a hundred in that class right now cause I'm actually pretty decent at it. But then again if I actually applied myself in most of my classes I'd have A's. I tried for like the first four weeks of school just to prove to myself that I could do it but I lost all of that drive.

You looked really really cute today.

I'd love to go to New York for college. NYU and the New York Film Academy are pretty much my dream schools. Dad thinks I have a shot, and he believes in me. He told me Ithat he thinks I have the talent and drive to make it in this industry. Maybe I'll actually start to believe that. I know I want it bad enough but I don't think I'm talented enough, but then again, that requires self esteem.

I've gotta get off... leaving the office.
Bye loves

Shane

Is just so fucking sexy.

And I found this picture when I googled shane. Kristen. She's such a lesbian.

Mona

Ana and Jocelyn are in a league of their own, I love how much they love each other. The world needs more of that kind of purity.

That kinda made my day <3

Secrets

Sometimes I wonder if you still feel the same way

I feel guilty for trying to get you to break the rules all the time

I miss those multiple page long goodnight texts

It feels like we never talk about anything happy anymore

I miss that.

I love you more than anything.

My bed still feels empty without you.

I hate being alone.

I'm not in a hurry to get my license anymore because I'm afraid of the disappointment

I want to graduate now more than ever.

I still miss it. A lot.

There's more I'm sure but I'm getting off.

EMMA FUCKING WATSON

<333
I'm going to see harry potter again and again and again

Thursday at midnight bitchh

Hogwarts girlfriend chart thing. It made me chuckle.




I can't wait for this moviee. Cause I'm a dork. And Emma Watson's in it sooo ;)

You make laugh

and all your posts of hot girls make me want to post some.


Kristen Stewart







Lea Michele






Katy Perry

Babygirl

Yesterday was so fun. I haven't been that happy in a while.
Thank you.

Think before you drink

http://www.youtube.com/wickeddsickk17

Check it bro.

I need you.

Please?
All I want is like an hour. Just come hold me.

...

"you could do so much better"

I just hope you don't realize that someday.

10.17.10

Just had to post the date.

I love you. Happy anniversary.

Seriously?

Right now?
I really want to punch you in the face.

You need to get over yourself. You have no idea what real problems are. You've never had to deal with anything remotely close to that. FUCK YOU.
Was that supposed to make me feel sorry for you?
Ha. Right.
I'm sorry you have it so "hard".

And for the record I typed this on my iPod and it's not a comment. Fuck yes, bro.

Tardy Apocolypse

http://www.youtube.com/user/WickeddSickk17?feature=mhum

I don't want to upload it twice. So just click the link instead.

My zombie psa. Check it, bitches :)

It's October :)

This is us two years ago... October of 2008. We look so happy.





Two years later. Just as happy <3 It amazes me.


You make me feel like the happiest girl alive baby.

"well... there's this girl... and we've been dating a really long time... she means everything to me... she's absolutely beautiful... like you wouldn't be able to understand how beautiful she is... she has this gorgeous smile... and amazing eyes... shes so perfect. I think I'm going to ask her to marry me."

You made me tear up and grin like a dork. I love you so much it's ridiculous.

And all that I can do is just laugh

It feels so good to be creating again. To make something from nothing. There isn't a better feeling than watching your idea come to life... to see it actually happen. Film making is love. It makes me feel alive.

Someone should get me a macbook with final cut pro please? You'll make my life.

Baby you are so cute. I'm pretty positive I have the best girlfriend in the world. My new hoodies are perfect.

Basketball isn't the same anymore, I just really don't have the desire or drive. I mean sure it was fun in ninth grade but that was more because of the people and the atmosphere and whatnot. But I'm gunna try and play at least for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll get better.

I really like third and fourth period. I think they should just be on repeat all day.

Awwww

She's so adorable

Miranda and Ryan :))

It's crazy how much better hanging out with you makes me feel. You guys are my best friends. No matter what we're doing we always have a blast.

I miss you so much during the week. I really don't like this just seeing you on the weekends thing. We need to fix that.

I feel like I could talk to you about anything... both of you.

Can we have nights like that all the time? Please?

I need them to keep me sane.

I love you guys.

Found a box of sharp objects what a beautiful thing

These are the times when I scream and punch a wall. Over and over... praying to feel my bones break. I feel so helpless. In all of this. The only thing I care about... the only thing I've ever cared about is people. You think I'm just saying that I'd jump in front of a fucking truck for you. You broke through all my defenses... you were the first person I confessed it all too. Now I'm here screaming my lungs out and crying till it hurts because I don't know what to do. I never do.
I want to cut until there's nothing left to cut.
I want to jump out my window onto my driveway and break every bone in my body.
I want to drink until everything goes numb.
I want to get in a car and drive away from this.
I want to feel the metal against my skin.
I want to feel it sting and burn like I haven't in so long.
I want to go back to cutting my mouth because that's better than nothing.
I want to give you one last kiss and drive as fast as that car will go into a ditch.
I want everything to stop hurting.
I want to hit and hit... blood all over the bricks.
I want this all to be over.

My list needs updating.

And I'm in more of a picture mode than wordss.

So yeah. Here it goes.

1. Tegan Quin


2. Hayley Williams





3. Kristen Stewart



4. Katherine Moennig





5. Eliza Dushku




Hot right? Yeah... you're drooling ;)

I tried

to write this long and intense post, but then it kinda turned into this long and self loathing paragraph and it didn't get across anything I was trying to say. I'll try and redo it tomorrow.

LUCAS IS A LOSER.

I am going to die. Basketball just might kill me. You know it's hardcore when there's a trashcan on the side of the court for people to puke in. Really coach?

Thank god I'm starting to feel better. I can breathe a lot better and it doesn't feel like I need to drill a hole in my chest and suck all the fluid out. So thumbs up for that.

So I shall leave you with a picture of Tegan <3 I'm rolling my eyes at the face you're making babe ;)

Wayy too much...

Hotness in 45 seconds.





and they're just so adorable too.

Sicksicksicksick

The subject has been pretty much off limits in my posts because I'm pretty sure you both know how I feel about it. But it's been eating away at me more and more lately. It takes pretty much everything in me to not breakdown when you talk about it, both of you. I kind of want to save the world... and you guys are my world. Despite how lame and cliche that sounds it's the truth. Both of you mean the entire world to me and watching this happen and not being able to do a single thing about it is absolutely ripping me apart. Babe I know I told you all of this but I've never really said it to Miranda... recently anyway. So there it is. I thought it should be out there.

I miss school. It seems like it's been years since I've been there.

I fight with my mom a lot less now, but i think that's mostly because I keep pretty much anything that has any importance from her now. Importance isn't really the right word... it's more like anything that is remotely concerning to me. That I'm dealing with or going through or whatever. It's just easier this way. I don't have to deal with her asking me if I'm okay every five minutes and the sympathetic hugs from my dad. I have avoided doctors pretty well for the most part. That somehow never happened, thanks state insurance, I owe you one. No medication. Nothing. It almost makes me feel like I'm not crazy. HA. If only.

The words are swimming now, I've been sitting for way too long.

I think it's about time

I made a decent post huh?

This school year is already so much better than last year. I get to see my baby pretty much all day and I go out pretty much every weekend.

I wish I had a class with you though :( I really dont like never seeing you. July 14th 2011 <3 I'm already counting down the days.

All of that stuff that I wrote on that note in English was true baby. You made me feel like it was okay, like I was okay. I'm completely okay with who I am now. All because of you <3

I feel grosss. I hate being sick. It feels like someone filled my head with cotton balls.

I hope I'm okay to go to school tomorrow. I miss you so much already.

Okay I guess this isnt going to be a decent post. I can't think anymore.

Goodbye my darlings <3

Best day everrrrrrrrr

Hardknocks and Tegan and Sara and Paramore and Jamie and Ana <3

Baby that was amazing. You were so sweet and supportive when I didnt feel good.
My arms around you, your arms around me, my hand in yours. Baby it was all so incredible.

The show was sooo fucking rad. And damn Tegan and Hayley looked so good :P

You were so adorable falling asleep on me on the way home, and wearing my shirt.

I think we should do it all again. And again. And again.

My girlfriend

Is so fucking cute. I can't wait to see you tomorrow.

You make my life hell

I've been trying so hard to fight, to resist. I tell my self over and over that I don't care, that it doesn't matter. But I let you hurt me. No matter how hard I try to prevent it. I fucking hate being looked down on. All I want to do is make her happy and instead of seeing that you destroy me. I almost let myself ruin everything. I almost let you do that to me. If I ever let myself feel that again, it's going to be for me. Not for you.
It's constant. Making it impossible to ignore, impossible to fight.
I can only take so much.

I want school so fucking bad. I need it. I need the escape. I'm trapped here,dwelling in all this shit. Almost there. I'm almost there.

I missed you. And you. I'm so glad to have you both back.

I think I have unrealistically high expectations for this school year. I'm constantly setting myself up for disappointment. You'd think I'd learn.

Look I blogged, happy now? <3

Baby I hope you feel better. I hate that you're sick and I can't do anything to make you feel better. I will someday my love, I promise. When we get out of here and it can just be us again <3

So sick of summer

No, that's not what I was trying to get you to say. I told you a hundred times. I just wanted to understand babe. And I do now. So thank you.

But you need to know that I worry about you constantly. It's a pretty constant feeling. It rarely turns into anger but when it does I hide it pretty well.

And all that stuff about your mom we were talking about... I don't know. All I know is that something needs to change. I can only take so much before I break down and give in. I don't know what need to change or how to change it. But something needs to happen.

I forgot how much being around you makes me smile and I need those shadess back <3

School please? Like now?

*drools*

You inspired me to go watch the runaways.. So commenting on the wicked sexiness of it was required.




And yeah.. I pretty much want hair like that too.
New favorite movie? I think so.

Heyheyhey.

The whole putting yourself first thing? I get it, and it's what you should be doing. You shall not have to deal with my drama but I'm not losing you. As long as you don't want to lose me anyway. I still love to have fun.. and I hate sitting in a room talking about how sad I am. I still have bad days.. and today was one. So that's what I was focusing on. So yeah, just had to get that out there.

You need to get back from the keysss. I miss you tons and we need to chill. Play games, shoot guns, laugh. I can't wait :)

I miss you lots baby. This summer's better than last summer... let's keep it that way please?

Response to your blog

I think we should talk. Face to face. Not at school. But some shit needs to be said.

You know who you are.

Dear,

There's so much I haven't said.

I'm sorry. I still feel responsible for all your hurt and because I'm me I still care. I know things won't ever go back. They can't. But I want you to know that I'm sorry. You probably don't read this anymore anyway. But I had to say it.

I still miss you. It's been so long since we've even made eye contact. I never thought this would happen. It's the last thing I wanted. You were the one person I went to when I couldn't go anywhere else. You got me. In a way that few people have. You were there to listen to me cry and vent and scream. I miss you. Things will never go back. It still hurts. I know you don't read this but that's okay. I just needed to admit it.

You... you made me cry. Writing that in my yearbook. It sounded so much like goodbye... so final. I wish I could believe that things would be okay again... they could be okay but you said it for me, we both know they cant. I still love you too. I always will. You've stuck with me all through middle school.. halfway through high school. You got me in fifth grade when we were making that kickass mad scientist house while everyone else was making condominiums. Thank you. Thank you for being there and acknowledging my existence when no one else you talk to does anymore. Thank you for still caring.

You haven't left yet... I have to keep convincing myself that you're not going anywhere. But most of the time I believe it. You know me better than I know myself sometimes and I know that you'll fight to the death for me. You care. You've talked me down from the ledge or away from the knife. You know pretty much everything there is to know about me and I can let my guard down and take my filter off. I love you. You mean so much to me I hope you know that <3

Baby... you know how much I love you. You put me back together. I fall apart pretty much daily and you're always there to pick up the pieces. You've been there through it all and I know you aren't going anywhere. I love you more than I ever thought possible beautiful.

I couldn't believe you were still there when I needed you. You still get me. We laugh at the same jokes and eat the same junk food. It's like we picked up where we left off. I love you.

You've helped keep me sane throughout all this. We have almost every class together and you make me laugh all the time. Count on hanging out with me all summerr :) I don't think you know how much you mean to me but that's okay. We're super good friends and it shall stay that way.

Aha just thinking about you is making me smile. You manage to make me laugh even when I feel like shit. You shall be seeing a lot of me over the summer too :) Movies and wigs and swords and masks and maybe some super fun substances ;)

Best weekend everr

Here you go babyy :)

I love you so muchh <3