I'm sorry.

I'm not who you want me to be.

I wish you could see how hard i try, to be that person that i don't think i can ever be. No matter how bad i want to. I wish i could change it really i do. Or at least make you understand. You think you have me all figured out when honestly you have no idea. If only you knew how i felt everyday or even tried to take what i say seriously and not just pass it off as me over reacting or blowing everything out of proportion. Which i admit i do but when i actually try to explain to her that i hate every second of my life and i don't know how to change that all she can say is that that's the whole point. What the fuck?? The point is that i don't know how to be happy? That's really helpful, i know exactly whats wrong with me now. Thank you so fuckn much.


So we yelled and cried all the way home and when we got there i went straight to my room and spent the rest of the night laying in the dark pretending to sleep listening to the rest of my family talk and laugh and have a good time. Why cant i be like her? Getting over a fight in like ten minutes and relaxing and actually enjoying myself?

Because i cant. Enjoy myself. I don't know why, i wish i did. Instead i have to obsess over what just happened. Dream about it whenever i close my eyes. Even when i try and distract myself by talking to her its still there. Its going to take a week before i can get over it. I wish i knew why.

And the twisted part? i actually was exited to tell her that i brought up all of my Cs to Bs. I wanted her recognition so bad. I wanted her to be proud of me. But instead it all ended up in another fight. She acts like i wanted it to happen. Like i live to argue with her. Yes that's all i want in life, to scream and cry and resent myself. I just fuckn love it.

Boredom

Soo I'm stuck here at the library and i thought id blog and put off doing my homework.

People annoy me... people who think there better than everyone else. i mean seriously dude I'm sorry you think this person or that person is just so awful or bitchy i really don't give a shit. Honestly go gossip to someone who cares.

I'm gunna do that random not directed at anyone in particular thing.

♥ You need to get over yourself
♥ I' m really trying i wish you could see that
♥ I'm sorry i hurt you... but you hurt me too
♥ I love you
♥ I wish i could tell you
♥ I'm sorry, so sorry
♥ I'm afraid, no matter how many times you reassure me
♥ I don't know how long i can take this before i go completely insane
♥ i miss you
♥ I wish you could know, everyone I'm tired of secrets and lies
♥ You really are beautiful i wish you could see it
♥ Some of the things you say kinda creep me out....
♥ All i want is you.
♥ My stomach hurts i should probably eat something

Ok i gotta go walk over to the gym but more later this is getting addicting

My eyes are going to look great in the morning

crying... once you start you just cant seem to stop.

how am i supposed to do this?
it doesnt seem possible.
ill just live everyday with no expectations, than maybe my heart wont hurt as bad

Addiction.

Can you be addicted to a person?
Cause this sure seems like an addiction.


addiction (noun)
to physically or mentally need something

if that is true than i am completely addicted.
i cant function... think... i stopped caring about everything but her.

why should i care? all i want in life is to spend it with her. i cant live without her so why should i try? Who gives a shit what my algebra grade is? all i want to know is when i can see her. When i can turn off autopilot and actually feel and care and smile. When living isn't a chore but a blessing. I fell completely in love. and i thought maybe i really did have a chance at happiness, something i never thought possible. But no. that would just be to right, and fair. Instead i have to spend hours of planning to get around the rules because apparently I'm such an awful person that her parents cant even look at me. There really isn't a worse feeling in the world than predjudical hatred. I don't know any other way to describe what it is.

I mean really cant they see how happy she is... was. Isn't that what they're supposed to care about? Her happiness. But no, apparently not. All they care about is what everyone will think. Honestly who gives a shit what the world thinks. If they cant deal with it its their problem not ours. but whatever. we'll have to go on lying to them if they cant deal with it.

The pain of separation is more than i ever would ever have imagined and i know most likely it will only get worse until years from now. But we can get through it, we have to.

Now why wasn't i at school today?
because i lied and said i did all my homework so i could go to the track meet. Which turned out to suck majorly. I got to hang out with her for like 10 minutes and then her mom showed up and i had to disappear. I could see her she was only a few feet away yet i missed her so much.

Anyway i told my mom i would get all my homework done and i was fully planning on it, but then i fell asleep before my parents went to sleep which is when i was going to do it, after they fell asleep. So i woke up in the morning without my essay done and a awful headache. So i played off my headache a lot and convinced my dad to let me stay home. Because my grade in health can not afford a zero and i really would like to not completely fail school. So because I'm a complete idiot i had to stay home and was deprived of my happiness for the day. O well. Who needs happiness anyway.

Insane.

What really is the definition of insane?
am i there yet...
will i ever be?



Insanity.
Is it a life long thing...
can you get more insane than you already are?

Does questioning your sanity make you insane?

Just random thoughts.



Life is hell. Every second of it seems to be never ending... except for those few moments that make it all worth it. But will i be able to make it there? Will i last that long? i don't know. Honestly waking up every morning is an accomplishment. School is torture... yet its better than being home. Seeing my friends... her, make it manageable. I spend every class watching the clock, counting down the seconds till art, lunch, or carline. Those mere minutes are what get me through life. I might actually smile, an honest i actually am happy at this very second smile. Yet I'm sad cause i know that it has to end, making me never really truly happy. But who is anymore.

Are you? Or do just pretend. Put on a face and nod and smile... wishing you were like them. Them. Who don't have to worry about what the world will think or if they're going to break down crying right then and there. Them. Everyone wants to be like "them."