And all that I can do is just laugh

It feels so good to be creating again. To make something from nothing. There isn't a better feeling than watching your idea come to life... to see it actually happen. Film making is love. It makes me feel alive.

Someone should get me a macbook with final cut pro please? You'll make my life.

Baby you are so cute. I'm pretty positive I have the best girlfriend in the world. My new hoodies are perfect.

Basketball isn't the same anymore, I just really don't have the desire or drive. I mean sure it was fun in ninth grade but that was more because of the people and the atmosphere and whatnot. But I'm gunna try and play at least for a couple weeks. Maybe it'll get better.

I really like third and fourth period. I think they should just be on repeat all day.

Awwww

She's so adorable

Miranda and Ryan :))

It's crazy how much better hanging out with you makes me feel. You guys are my best friends. No matter what we're doing we always have a blast.

I miss you so much during the week. I really don't like this just seeing you on the weekends thing. We need to fix that.

I feel like I could talk to you about anything... both of you.

Can we have nights like that all the time? Please?

I need them to keep me sane.

I love you guys.

Found a box of sharp objects what a beautiful thing

These are the times when I scream and punch a wall. Over and over... praying to feel my bones break. I feel so helpless. In all of this. The only thing I care about... the only thing I've ever cared about is people. You think I'm just saying that I'd jump in front of a fucking truck for you. You broke through all my defenses... you were the first person I confessed it all too. Now I'm here screaming my lungs out and crying till it hurts because I don't know what to do. I never do.
I want to cut until there's nothing left to cut.
I want to jump out my window onto my driveway and break every bone in my body.
I want to drink until everything goes numb.
I want to get in a car and drive away from this.
I want to feel the metal against my skin.
I want to feel it sting and burn like I haven't in so long.
I want to go back to cutting my mouth because that's better than nothing.
I want to give you one last kiss and drive as fast as that car will go into a ditch.
I want everything to stop hurting.
I want to hit and hit... blood all over the bricks.
I want this all to be over.

My list needs updating.

And I'm in more of a picture mode than wordss.

So yeah. Here it goes.

1. Tegan Quin


2. Hayley Williams





3. Kristen Stewart



4. Katherine Moennig





5. Eliza Dushku




Hot right? Yeah... you're drooling ;)

I tried

to write this long and intense post, but then it kinda turned into this long and self loathing paragraph and it didn't get across anything I was trying to say. I'll try and redo it tomorrow.

LUCAS IS A LOSER.

I am going to die. Basketball just might kill me. You know it's hardcore when there's a trashcan on the side of the court for people to puke in. Really coach?

Thank god I'm starting to feel better. I can breathe a lot better and it doesn't feel like I need to drill a hole in my chest and suck all the fluid out. So thumbs up for that.

So I shall leave you with a picture of Tegan <3 I'm rolling my eyes at the face you're making babe ;)

Wayy too much...

Hotness in 45 seconds.





and they're just so adorable too.

Sicksicksicksick

The subject has been pretty much off limits in my posts because I'm pretty sure you both know how I feel about it. But it's been eating away at me more and more lately. It takes pretty much everything in me to not breakdown when you talk about it, both of you. I kind of want to save the world... and you guys are my world. Despite how lame and cliche that sounds it's the truth. Both of you mean the entire world to me and watching this happen and not being able to do a single thing about it is absolutely ripping me apart. Babe I know I told you all of this but I've never really said it to Miranda... recently anyway. So there it is. I thought it should be out there.

I miss school. It seems like it's been years since I've been there.

I fight with my mom a lot less now, but i think that's mostly because I keep pretty much anything that has any importance from her now. Importance isn't really the right word... it's more like anything that is remotely concerning to me. That I'm dealing with or going through or whatever. It's just easier this way. I don't have to deal with her asking me if I'm okay every five minutes and the sympathetic hugs from my dad. I have avoided doctors pretty well for the most part. That somehow never happened, thanks state insurance, I owe you one. No medication. Nothing. It almost makes me feel like I'm not crazy. HA. If only.

The words are swimming now, I've been sitting for way too long.

I think it's about time

I made a decent post huh?

This school year is already so much better than last year. I get to see my baby pretty much all day and I go out pretty much every weekend.

I wish I had a class with you though :( I really dont like never seeing you. July 14th 2011 <3 I'm already counting down the days.

All of that stuff that I wrote on that note in English was true baby. You made me feel like it was okay, like I was okay. I'm completely okay with who I am now. All because of you <3

I feel grosss. I hate being sick. It feels like someone filled my head with cotton balls.

I hope I'm okay to go to school tomorrow. I miss you so much already.

Okay I guess this isnt going to be a decent post. I can't think anymore.

Goodbye my darlings <3

Best day everrrrrrrrr

Hardknocks and Tegan and Sara and Paramore and Jamie and Ana <3

Baby that was amazing. You were so sweet and supportive when I didnt feel good.
My arms around you, your arms around me, my hand in yours. Baby it was all so incredible.

The show was sooo fucking rad. And damn Tegan and Hayley looked so good :P

You were so adorable falling asleep on me on the way home, and wearing my shirt.

I think we should do it all again. And again. And again.