Honestly?

It's probably a good thing that you don't want to cross that line. If anything did happen I'd feel awful because I know that I wouldn't be able to give you what you deserve out of something like that.

I mean yeah. The distraction was nice while it lasted. Really nice. But there's no way I should be trying to do anything with anybody.

Yeah I'd kill for a meaningless makeout session just for the distraction. But that's not gunna happen anytime soon.

And relationships are out of the question for a while.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop flirting with you. It's so much easier to worry about what you think of me and wonder if my face is turning red rather than focus on heartache.

Sleepy time.

I miss my girlfriend

So fucking much.

And now that I know that theres zero chance of us getting back together it makes everything so much more real. You really don't want to be with me.

I always thought we'd grow old together.
I never doubted our relationship for a second. I told people to shut the fuck up when they told me how stupid I was for believing in us. For thinking that any high school relationship can last. For believing that we meant to much to each other and that our love was strong enough to outlast anything.
But I was wrong.
And now I have to deal with it. I have to figure out how the fuck I'm supposed to move on. And have conversations about me crashing on your couch because I'm too broke to have anywhere to stay instead of about how we're going to go to Canada or about you teaching me to drive a standard.

I thought we were the exception.
I believed it with all of my heart.
I didn't hold anything back. Instead I ripped my heart from my chest and gave it to you completely.
I knew that after we crossed that line back in middle school my heart would always belong to you. And now I have absolutely no idea how to put it back together again.
I need you to come pick up the pieces and put my back together.
But you can't.
I can't stop myself from smiling when you do something cute or play with my hair.
I have to constantly stop myself from calling you baby.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone else.
I want to spend it with you.

I mean it's us... we're us. We belong together.
Or I thought we did.

I grew up with you. You made me who I am today. And you're still the only person that I want to hold me when I'm sad or who I actually believe when they tell me everything's gunna be okay.

I had to change all my passwords.
I had to scratch out doodles all over that wooden board thing.
I can't even look at a fucking tent let alone draw one.

And ironically the only time that I can actually be somewhat okay is when I'm with you.
You are still you.
And you are still the one person who I'd do anything for.

"my love for you will only stop if forever ends"

Yeah... I'm really gunna miss your incredibly sweet and insanely cute writing.

I wish I was still yours.

Her

I have to force myself to not think about it. About you.
It doesn't work all that well.
My feelings for you haven't changed.
I still love you with everything that I am.
And I don't know how to stop.
I don't know how to deal with you dating anyone else. Or wanting guys.
It takes so much effort to not try and try to get you back.
But I want you to be happy. So much more than I want happiness for myself.

So I'm gunna try and distract myself.
And maybe it'l help me get over you.

But even if I do.
My love for you will never lessen. It may change from I want to spend forever with you love, to something else. But it will never lessen.

I love you.

That was so fun

I can't tell if you were flirting back with me or not. Even though I wasn't intentionally really. More like trying not to. Considering you're straight ish and all. Aha I added the ish just cause.

You're cute. Distract me?

Lesbian short

This feels wrong

[2:16:28 AM] Ana: *sigh* its crazy that you still make my heart melt when you say things like that

On so many levels.
Not being with you feels so wrong.
And empty.

I miss you.
I need you.
I love you.

Today was good

Seeing you was good.
Talking to you was good.

I can do this.

This is the best thing.

We'll make awesome friends.

Kris's hug made me smile today. It was unexpected. And really nice of him.

I can do this.
I'm okay with this.

I can't stop

I love you so much.
I wish I could turn it off.
I'm hoping it'l fade eventually.
All I wanna do is be with you.

"Us. Well how we used to be anyway. All cute and full of dreams."

My dreams never went away.

I keep posting and looking at all these girls trying to get you out of my head. When all I wanna do is post cute pictures of you. I don't know how I'm going to get over this. Over you. You're everything to me. My heart still belongs to you. I don't know how to get it back.

I know that I should never have thought that we could last. That it was possible.
But I'm stupid. And I did.

And now I have to figure out what to do. How to get over you and put my heart back together.
I don't know how to not love you.

And I don't even think I can ever turn it off.

How cute is she?

Grahhh so fucking cute

She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. Get it through your fucking head. You have to get over this. You can't keep dwelling on how things used to be. She doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. She's not yours and you aren't hers. You are going to have to figure out how to live without her. You're going to have to figure out how to fall asleep knowing that you wont ever fall asleep in her arms again. You have to figure out how to deal with things without crying to her about it. She doesn't love you. She doesn't want you. You need to get that through your fucking head.

Sigh

Sometimes I don't know what to say.
How to just be your friend.
It's hard. Really hard.

But we both need each other.
So I'm going to have to figure it out.

The world feels a little brighter

when you post an i support same sex marriage picture and you get six likes within the minute that you post it.

Thank you.

Yeah

it stung. But I know we're you're coming from. I don't think it's better, just different. Well for me anyway. I do think it's better for you. You needed this. And that's a good enough reason for this to be a good thing. I'm glad you feel closer to me. In a different way? I guess? I'm still getting used to this. But I know in the end that it will be better this way.We need this.

And yes, pleasee try and have fun?

Here's to new beginnings

and pulling of that short hair yeah?

So so so cute.

Goofball

I love that we can still talk on the phone for an hour before we go to sleep. Things may not be the same. But talking to you still makes me so happy.

I never thought that we'd be talking on the phone for an hour a week later. That'd we be saying goodnight and talking about how no matter what we're always going to be family. You know me better than I know myself and you belong in my life. I care about you too much for that not to happen. We'll aways be us. Even if we arent "us"

Goodnight.
Love you.

In and Out

Go watch this movie. Right now. I guarantee you will laugh out loud the whole time. :P

And look! It's Michelle Rodriguez! Yum.

TV Production

Fourth period makes my lifee.

SNOWCONES!!

I love you guys.

Today was mostly manageable. So that's good.

Most of the time. 7th period sucked but that's nothing new.

Maybe I can do this.

"Of course I do. You might not be my girlfriend. But you're still Jocelyn"

♥

I can't do this.

FUCK EVERYTHING.
My heart can't handle this.
I gave you everything. I put my entire existence into that relationship. I gave you everything I have to offer. I ripped my heart from my chest and put in your hands. I bled for you. I cried for you. I stayed up all night listening to you cry and I stayed up all night scared for your life. I grew up with you. You made me into who I am. You are were my entire life. I have no idea how to do this without you. I have no idea how to function without you. But I know that I have to try and get over you because you convinced me that you actually mean it. That I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare and you're not going to look at me pull me aside and tell me that you love me and you can't do this without me either.
No.
You actually don't love me anymore.
I always thought that love lasts through anything. If it's real. And true. And honest. And I swear I felt that. I saw it in your eyes when you looked at me and confessed everything. When you were all nervous and kissed me on the cheek and whispered it to me for the first time. I KNOW IT WAS REAL. But how can it be? If you just stopped feeling it. I wish it was something I did. Then at least I'd have a reason. I wish I had someone to blame. I wish I could stop fucking needing you. I wish your texts weren't so cold and hard. I wish that I could just curl up in your arms and you'd make everything okay. What do you do when the only person who can make you feel better doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. Okay thats a lie. But it feels like it. Do you want me in your life just because you don't know how to not have me in your life? Is it because you love need want me? Is it because you I've always been there?

I still have to do that research paper.

And I can't take much more of this not even looking at eachother stuff. But I don't know if I can handle talking to you either.

I wish I could back and figure out how to fix this.

Excessive

I feel like I'm going to be blogging so fucking often now because I have no other outlet. I mean Ryan can only listen to me bitch and cry for so long. I feel like I've been doing that to him too much. I'm trying to stop. Really I am.

Not texting you feels wrong. And weird. And empty.

Empty. Everything feels empty.
I guess I'm going to have to get used to that.

And.

This sucks.
And I miss you.

And I know I've been constantly posting. But thats what blogs are for. So don't read it if its bugging you.

One day at a time

Eventually I'm going to be okay with this. I just have to get there. Eventually I'll be able to talk to you without crying. I didn't cry today. Not in front you anyway, which was my goal. So that's good. And I think in a couple weeks I"ll be able to have conversations with you and in a couple months maybe we can hang out and see how it is.

I've decided that in five years we're going to be like every other pair of lesbian best friends. Exes.
And I think I can handle that.
It's just the whole getting to that point part.
Which I'm working on.
It's fresh.
and it hurts.
A lot.
But I think I can get there.
Because I need you in my life too.

Side note: God I hope 3rd period gets better. Cause that was not easy.

10.17.08 - 03.06.11

I honestly have no idea how I'm going to do this.

"I'm not in love with you"

How am I supposed to deal with that? How am i supposed to get over that. I thought that we would be together forever. I thought that we would make it. There is absolutely no way I'm going to be able to make it through school tomorrow without crying. God especially art. That is going to be a mess. I can't do this. I can't just be friends with you. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I love you with everything that I am. I always have. I thought that we were going to grow old together. I thought that you'd be my wife. I thought that we could be different. I have no fucking clue how to live without you. Texting you all day is making is so much more real. This is actually happening. You actually broke up with me. You actually don't love me anymore. I actually have to figure out how to do this. I actually have to figure out how get over you. I actually took everything off my walls and filled a box with your stuff. I can't wear those hoodies anymore. I can't do this.
I cant do this.
I cant do this.
How the fuck am I going to do this.
How the fuck am I going to live without you.

I can't listen to half the songs on my ipod.
I can't even look at the other bed in my room.
I can never use softlips again.
Every Paramore song makes me wanna puke.
I cant do this.
Theres no way.
I need to wake up from this nightmare.
Please?
Please?
I cant do this.

So there's this kid

named Ryan. And he's pretty much the best best friend anyone could ask for. *heartt*

Thank you for being there today.

And I've decided that we both need each other way too much to not be in each other's lives. So it's going to hurt. A lot. And It's going to take time. But eventually I'll get there. And I'm still here. Not your girlfriend. As much as kills me to type that. But still here.

Zach

And I just want to say that I have the best brother in the world.
Thank you.

1:15

I don't have anyone to text. Or call.
Sure people said to call them or text them. But none of them are you. I have no fucking idea how I'm going to handle this. I cant stop fucking crying and I feel like I'm going to throw up and sleep is impossible. Maybe we should have just been friends from the beginning. Then this wouldn't hurt as bad. Now that I now what its like... I don't know how I'm ever going to feel safe without your arms around me. I don't know how I'm ever going to feel whole without you by my side. How the fuck am I supposed to live without you? I cant fucking do it. Without you? I never actually thought it would happen. I asked you you tell me that you wanted to be with me because I wanted you to prove me wrong... to tell me that everything was okay and that you loved me. How did that conversation go from you calling to tell me goodnight to you telling me that you breaking up with me? I need to stop fucking crying. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and I wish I could get some fucking sleep. I even texted Miranda. Who hates my fucking guts to tell her to make sure you're okay. Because I care about you too fucking much. Thats my problem I always care about people too much. I thought it was different with you. I thought that you would always be there. I thought that we were different. I thought that we would make it. You know I was so fucking confident that we could make it through anything. That I would fucking die for you... that you were everything to me. I need you to fucking breathe. I cant breathe knowing that you dont want me anymore. How the fuck am I supposed to do this? I had to take everything down off my walls and take all the stuff you got me and hide it so I start crying harder when I saw the spiderman flipflops you justs bought me. This is the first night that i've sleep in this bed without my turtle since you bought him for me over 2 years ago. This fucking sucks. I have no fucking idea how to live right now. I cant fucking do this. Why? Why couldnt I be enough for you? Why couldnt I be your forever?

Im sorry. Im sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry i cant be that person for you. I'm sorry I didn't know how to fix this. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.

Ana

You went from holding me tight and promising to call me and tell me goodnight to finally admitting that you dont want to be with me. You've been tiptoeing around the subject for a week. You deserve better than to be with me just because you're afraid of hurting me. So yeah it hurts like a bitch. And I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do without you. Let alone how I'm going to let someone else in. I hope you find what you're looking for. And I hope that you find someone who can make you happy. Someone who could do what I couldn't.

I love you. I always will. Maybe not always in the same way. But a piece of my heart will always be yours.

I'm sorry I couldn't be your forever

Anxious

What does that mean? You guess? It doesn't seem like we're okay. It doesn't seem like you're okay with this. With us. With me.

"I just don't connect with you anymore"

"I just feel like our heads are in two different places"

"I guess"

"I don't want to be tied down"

"both"

"I'd rather you didn't go"

I just don't know what to think anymore.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Tell me everything's okay.
Tell me that you love me.
Tell me that you want to be with me.
Tell me that you still feel all those things you told me at her party.
Tell me you don't wanna date anyone else.

But only if it's the truth.