I'm sorry.

I'm not who you want me to be.

I wish you could see how hard i try, to be that person that i don't think i can ever be. No matter how bad i want to. I wish i could change it really i do. Or at least make you understand. You think you have me all figured out when honestly you have no idea. If only you knew how i felt everyday or even tried to take what i say seriously and not just pass it off as me over reacting or blowing everything out of proportion. Which i admit i do but when i actually try to explain to her that i hate every second of my life and i don't know how to change that all she can say is that that's the whole point. What the fuck?? The point is that i don't know how to be happy? That's really helpful, i know exactly whats wrong with me now. Thank you so fuckn much.


So we yelled and cried all the way home and when we got there i went straight to my room and spent the rest of the night laying in the dark pretending to sleep listening to the rest of my family talk and laugh and have a good time. Why cant i be like her? Getting over a fight in like ten minutes and relaxing and actually enjoying myself?

Because i cant. Enjoy myself. I don't know why, i wish i did. Instead i have to obsess over what just happened. Dream about it whenever i close my eyes. Even when i try and distract myself by talking to her its still there. Its going to take a week before i can get over it. I wish i knew why.

And the twisted part? i actually was exited to tell her that i brought up all of my Cs to Bs. I wanted her recognition so bad. I wanted her to be proud of me. But instead it all ended up in another fight. She acts like i wanted it to happen. Like i live to argue with her. Yes that's all i want in life, to scream and cry and resent myself. I just fuckn love it.