Cooper is the shit.

Yesterday was fun. I enjoyed hanging out after school and carline like normal. That always makes me smile. Then i went to taco bell with Grace and some yummy quesadillas. We watched a lamely not scary movie, but it was funny so it made up for it and played some rockband. It was pretty great.

Out poetry alive thing is gunna rock the world. Its pretty amazing.

Ive spent all day thinking about things. Some good, some bad. Some somewhere in the middle. Ive been thinking about that day that her parents found out. Do i regret what happened that day? No. Should I? I mean i hate that her parents know. Not even that they know so much, more like the way they reacted to it. Yet i don't regret that day. I don't know. I would've done the exact same thing if i got to do it over again. This isn't making much sense I'm all over the place. I'm just going to stop now.

Grace was here :D

Coach K is fucking hardcore

He does realize that we don't start playing till October right? And he does know that its only March. Oh well i guess its going to pay off in the long run. I haven't been this sore in a long time... actually i don't know if I've ever been this sore. Every muscle in my body hurts. If you just touch my arm it hurts. And i have to go back on Friday and do it all again. I need to work out the soreness before then but i probably wont.

Yay we went to Dlights today. It was yummy.

I have no idea what I'm going to draw for my garden thing in art. I want it to be creative but i cant think of anything. I would put a really cute puppy... cause i have a weakness for puppies =D but i cant draw that. And i don't want it to be all normal happy garden ish. Maybe ill make it like a horror crime scene thing. With blood and guts and shit. That'd be kool. I don't know if i can draw that though.

I did okay with my speech today except for my fucking voice wouldn't stop shaking so it sounded like i was going to start crying or something. Grace said it made it sound like i really cared about what i was talking about. Which i did. But not I'm going to start crying when i talk about it caring. Everyone said it was good though. I don't if that's enough to get me a good grade. Plus i was like 15 seconds short. I think it did an okay job writing it. I don't know. I was really paying attention to how people were reacted. I was to busy trying to stop my voice from shaking and remember what i was supposed to be saying. I wanna know my grade like now.

My daddy just bought a sexy new laptop. Too bad i cant touch it since its just for graphics. It has vista though. Nasty. He should've got a mac.

Recently Ive come to a realization: I want to be here. It is worth it. Thank you for saving me.

This was from 3/16 i decided to post it cause i dont know what else to do with it

I cant do this.
Just getting through the day requires such an effort.
I want to close my eyes and never wake up. Put an end to all this pain. Everything hurts all the time. The only time i find relief is when I'm with her and with that limited to only art god. i need her all the time not just during school. i live for that hour everyday. everything else is hell. I'm either fighting with my mom or crying. what kind of life is that? I know my dad is praying that i get over this "phase" am i not good enough the way i am? I mean i know I'm fucked up. N i suck at everything there is. And I'm stupid. AndI'm fat. And I'm not worth it. And I'm meaningless. And i don't deserve to live. What was i talking about again? O yeah, but cant u just accept who i am? please?

Why should i keep going when all there is is hurt?
Why should i burden other people with knowing me?
Why should i be with you, i cause you so much pain u deserve better. much better.
Would anyone care? besides her.
Is there anyone else who gives a damn?

I haven't been to counseling in a really long time. Since before i came out.*sigh* if only we had health insurance.

When will the pain end?
When i make it end? No. You cant. Don't think about it. Fuck.

I've been busy experiencing the world after nuclear war

AKA playing fall out 3. The most amazing game on the planet. You take my two favorite games: Gears of War and Oblivion and out them together and get Fall out. Yep I'm a total Xbox dork =P

The Knowing is an fantastical movie. I really liked it. Cept i need an explanation about what the rocks had to do with anything...
Cept there were some let downs that day but that's okay it still made me happy.


I have like my whole art project still to do and I'm not going to end up working on it till Sunday night. I haven't eaten Taco Bell all week. I should get a prize.

I realized recently that there are so many things i still want to do in my life and I'm scared of it ending before i get there. And I'm scared of dying actually. Which is weird for me. I guess its kind of a good thing. This is making no sense I'm just typing what i happen to be thinking at that exact moment. But oh well. My dad needs the computer so i guess thats it for now. W.e

I'm so sorry, for everything.

Mrs Mosby officially knows nothing about anything. She acts like she knows everything there is to know about depression/suicide when obviously she has no fucking clue. That was a fantastic way to start my morning considering the night before. Half of the people in my class can go die because how can they have opinions like that if they haven't been in that situation. How can they be so ignorant that they think they have it all figured out and that anyone who ever thinks about suicide is a completely awful person, "how can they be so selfish, don't they know what it does to everyone around you?" And for the record every time that someone says something that could be even remotely related to suicide in the slightest way you DON'T have to run and tell everyone that you know, you might be over reacting just a little.

I was already in an awful mood when i woke up this morning cause of staying up late and having an awful dream besides i was already feeling like shit when i went to sleep so when i had to sit and listen to everyone talk about how awful suicide is for an hour i had pretty much given up on the day.

English my mood didn't change while i sat there and didn't pay attention to the movie at all, lost in my own awful thoughts.

Science sucked like usual. Except i have a B =D which means my grades might actually be decent this nine weeks.

Art was good only because i got to see her and take a break from it all, and when you played with my bangs baby it made me happy, thanks i needed that.

Lunch was okay because i was starving and i got to eat and talk and try and forget.

Spanish was boring which left me thinking all class again. I think i did good on the test though.

Computers has to be the most boring class ever created. She cant teach. Projects suck and it takes a year to end.

Basically my day sucked. I did blog yesterday by the way i just didn't post it. I don't think you guys should have to read it. It'll only hurt you.

I'm not going to be able to look at a mini without thinking about that

Aren't blogs supposed to be for writing whatever you happen to be thinking at the time? i think so. so here goes nothing.

i cant believe how sure i am about spending my life with you. Honestly i cant even imagine being with someone else. kissing someone else. telling someone else i love them. No. There is no doubt in my mind that i will never be with anyone but you. We've been together five months and it feels like a lifetime. i cant wait for the day when we can tell people yea we've been together since 9th grade, we made it through everything. When i can act like your girlfriend in public. when we can move in together. when i can buy you presents, like sexy cars. when i can marry you and be proud to call you my wife. i think about all this all the time its about time it ended up in here.


i decided I'm going to come out to my grandma. you have no idea how nervous that makes me. i used to tell her everything about my life so it feels wrong to hide such a huge part of me from her. i want to be able to talk about it with her. But I'm terrified of how shes going to react. Is she going to be able to look at me as Jocelyn, the same person that shared everything with you or is she not going to be able to get past the fact that I'm in love with a girl? Is she going to think I'm going to hell. Is she going to even wanna talk about it with me? Am i even going to be able to tell her? Will i have enough guts to be like o yea i think you should know that I've been dating Ana for 5 months? *sigh* Is she going to be hurt that i kept it from her? God i dont know. But i have to do it. I cant take lying to her anymore. Wish me luck.

Hey guess who's going to get her permit this weekend?! =D

i just played rockband. i was like killing the drums to get out my frustration and my muscles were tense the whole time so now I'm like incredibly soreee. But it was very stress relieving.

Holy shit its 1?! Damn.

Random shit.

- today turned out really good
- i got a kiss, a really really good one
- i have a b in algebra yayyy =D
- aww my puppys looking at me like pleasee pet mee im so adorablee
- i eat taco bell waaay too much
- i fucking hate mrs smith
- baby one day i'm going to wear black and brown together just to annoy you =P
- i need a good grade on this spanish test. like extremly
- OMFG clara you have the worst timeing everrrr
- i hate staying home
- your bangs looked really good today
- i wish my speech was a hell of a lot better
- i so could concentrate... maybe
- your such a dickhead
- i like having your taste in my mouth, it reminds me of how amazing kissing you is
- we should finish those bets tonight
- my knee hurts soooo bad
- wow im so pale. ugh.
- this really isnt a phase but i guess you'll relize that soon enough
- ive decided im going to tell you
- oh yeah baby what were you gunna tell me from art?
- you do know she's mine right? you better.
- you can act like it doesnt bother you at all but i know that your counting on me getting over it
- i wish you could help me study. and i would actually study for a little while
- 4 days till 5 months =)
- someone needs to have a party. like now.
- i miss youu wakee upp lmao

Im in a survey mood.

and since i cant post them on myspace anymore ill post them hereee

So from now on, your going to be asked unique questions, you ready?​​
hellz yea dudee

Have you thought about an ex today?
​​nope

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment?​​
at home and she better be writing her essay and not sleeping =0

Could you date someone who lived in another state?
​​i could but i really really dont want to

Could you handle a long distance relationship?
​​​​​​again. i could but i really really dont want to

Who was the last person to text you?
My baby =)

When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
The last time somebody asked me​​

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?​​
hmm... today

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
most likely but i really dont give a shit

Do you laugh a lot?
Yepp

Do you consider yourself lucky?
​​Ha right. Lucky.

Why did you last cry?
Last night. Cause of what i was thinking about.

Do you think you're pregnant?
​Ummm hell no.

You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
my lip pierced. N itd look pretty damn sexy too =P

You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Idkkk id have to think about it

Could you cry right now?
i always can

Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
​​*sigh*

In the past week, have you cried?
​​These questions are not very nice.

Have you ever been awake for 2 days straight?​​
Naw id think so but pretty close

What are the things you've heard people say about​ you?
oh god.

Are you friends with your exes?
​​Not really

If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
Ummm idkk any ideas?

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend​?
​​​​​​i have a girlfriend =)

Are you mad at someone right now?
not at the moment

Who has the same phone as you?
No one has this old fonee but lots of people have a chocolate and i still have minee... it just doesnt work

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
​everyday

Do you have an older brother?
​​nope he's younger

Are you Irish in any way?
definatly not

Do you believe in karma​?​​
sure i guess

Did you have a good birthday this year?
​​You have no idea how incredible it was =)

Have you ever been in a hotel room with a friend of the opposite sex?
umm besides like family friends and shit no

Are you okay with the life you live?​​
I wish it was different.

Last person you told a secret to?
i dont really tell secrets. I just happen to pour my heart out to certain people.

How many true friends you got?
honestly like 4

Do you text/call during class?
​​​pshhh of course not

Do you live in a "ghetto" neighborhood?
​​​​​​​​​​​lmao nopee

Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend?
​​Not that i know of

Do you have a fear of taking tests when you are not prepared?​​
Not really i mean i get like oh fuck im gunna fail but doesnt everyone.

Aww that was boringgg. O well. Im supposed to be writing my speech. Which i probly wont finish till wednsday night at like 3 in the morning but whateverr. I did write some babyy i promise.

Aww ive gotta get off. *sad* maybe ill post laterr

I can't see why I'd do anything without you

So i just got homee from seeing that one shopping movie. The movie was okay i guess she wore some awful outfits and waaaay to much orange but i wasn't really paying attention anyway. It was really nice to just be with her. To be able to hold her hand and lean on her shoulder. You have no idea how much I've missed that. I'm in an amazing mood right now. I'm like high on life. I think I'm going to go write after i finish this =)



You made me happy today, you saw how much i smiled. Thank you. Its been way to long since I've smiled like that.


*comes back a day later to finish*

I just went outside and worked out. I feel good like i always do after a good practice. My shots were falling and I'm sweaty and breathing heavy, its a good feeling. That probably sounds weird but oh well. Its like i feel accomplished i guess i don't know. I love the after practice/game/workout feeling. Anyway i skated down my driveway for a little while before i came in and I'm in a really good mood now. I feel like i could take on the world. Maybe ill challenge Zach when he gets home, he hates it when i win. I wish we had a pool. I'd love to jump in one right now. I'm having a pretty good weekend. Well compared to how my weekends usually are.

I'm gunna go do something amazing. I just have to figure out what.

Home alone.

Its nice having the house all to myself. Well actually its only nice to have my family not bothering me every second of everyday. I personally hate being alone. Even if I'm just going to the other room i like to take someone with me. Its sort of a personal fear i guess. More like i don't feel comfortable unless I'm with another person. Yet i like being home alone. I just have to constantly talk to someone to reassure myself if that makes any sense. I guess I'm just afraid of being left alone all together.

I just wrote a whole paragraph and then deleted it. I couldn't seem to explain what i was trying to say. I'm just going to say this: I cant get that thought out of my head.

I got some pretty sexy purple hair dye the other day. If i ever get around to using it it'll be pretty damn hot.

Why am i so tired all the time? I mean i know that i could get more sleep but i take lots of naps and sleep really late on the weekends that should make up for it right? No. Instead I'm constantly tired. I never have the energy to do anything, more like the motivation to anything. Which is why its been weeks since Ive worked on my shot or lifted or ran. I put all this work into basketball this season and I'm letting it go to waste by just sitting around. I actually cared this season and pushed myself to do things that i never would have thought possible. Being able to run ten laps as a warm up everyday became second nature, not a big deal. In October i didn't think it was possible to earn a starting spot. But i spend hours working on my shot until it started to fall wherever i took it. I became a shooter. Mentally i knew that i could make it and i started shooting when i was on the floor. My assists and rebounds doubled from the beginning of the season and dammit it felt good to actually be good at something. But now I'm doing nothing to become a better player. I know that i need to start lifting all the time if i want to play varsity but instead i don't. I don't even have a good reason. What the hell is wrong with me? It felt good to play on a winning team. To be able to beat teams we were afraid of playing a year ago. Why am i letting all of it go to waste? I wish i knew. I care i really do am i just really that lazy? Why didn't i play softball or track? To give me something to do to keep me in shape. I need to keep running in order to get better. I want to score double digits every game. I know that its possible if I'm wiling to work. But am i?

Anyway tomorrow could be a really good day. I really need that right now. Lets hope.

Random thought: damn hes hot why didn't i know about this?

List townn

My loves:

- my babyyy
- my amazingg friends
- the New York Yankees and my boy Jeter
- blogspot
- writing music
- basketball
- all my music
- my phone
- to write love on her arms
- myspace
- the secret life
- art class
- xbox
- making movies
- cheese its
- romantic movies
- converse
- tight jeans =P
- purple&black
- the heat who fuckn own the magic baby =)
- dyed hair
- huskies
- skateboarding
- and GOOFBALLS

My... not loves:
- algebra
- biology
- losing
- distance
- heartbreak
- computer projects
- getting bad grades
- being treated like I'm someone I'm not
- school food
- being sick
- wondering what people think of you
- staying home on the weekends
- waiting
- homework
- people who think they are better than everyone else
- gossip
- not being able to draw
- the way i look
- having to lie as much as i do
- not being able to drive
- my annoyingly lame running skills
- fighting with my mom
- not having my phone
- missing you
- people trying to keep us apart

Best words everrr:
- foreverness
- fantastical
- beautiful
- baby
- love
- turnontastic
- intense
- fuckfuckfuck&fuck
- sexyyy
- superfuntastical
- delicious
- adorablee
- chainsaw city
- ninjaishhh
- fantastilistic
- dream
- Ana&Jocelyn


My dreams:
- see a game at Yankee stadium
- go to Australia
- direct a major motion picture
- move away from here
- own a mini cooper
- to get someone amazing to play one of my songs
- to tell my family what they need to know about me
- to be open with the world someday
- but most of all to spend it with her.
- and all the rest of them that you guys don't need to know about...

Being sick sucks. majorly.

Random thought thing:

You think that you know me inside and out but if you really did you wouldn't treat me the way you do. You don't know how i feel no matter how much you think you do. You cant possibly understand what is going on inside my head when even i don't most of the time. Instead you think that everything in my life is trivial and i need to stop freaking out over the little things. Honestly i would like to see you try and deal with what i have to everyday. Its not just my so called "obsession" as you put it, its things you don't even know about but i know if i try and tell you you'll just think I'm being over dramatic and that i don't really feel like that. Even if you read this, all you would do is shake your head and tell me that my problems are nothing compared to what you go through everyday. That i have no idea what the real world like. Ive been trying to make an effort to stop the fighting but the only way i can think to do that is to not share my opinion about what i feel everyday and to stop telling you about my life. If that's what you want. Fine. We wont fight any more but you wont even know me.


I appreciate that you treat me like what I'm feeling matters. That maybe there's some truth in what i say, and that you try to take my side in some arguments even though you know its just going to get her mad at both of us. I know that you're trying to understand even if you don't agree with some of my opinions on the situation. So thank you. Without you my life really would be hell. You show be that i need to just relax and try and have fun every once in a while. I know that you don't realize what you mean to me, but if it wasn't for you i don't know what I'd do.

i want to know your honest feelings toward me. I may be taking it the wrong way but i really think its more than you let on. You say things that make me question if your hanging out with me holding on to the hope that it could someday be something more. and I'm sorry but that's not going to happen. I'm taken, but you know that. And if i am reading into it way too much than your just really creepy, you shouldn't say that stuff to people.

You've been there through it all and i know that i can count on you to drop everything and talk to me or come get me if i end up in a ditch somewhere. Your more than my friend. Your my sister. We don't talk everyday anymore or even every week but your always going to be a part of my life. I know i can totally be myself around you and I'm not afraid to tell you whats on my mind cause i know you wont judge me. You've been the constant in my life through all this shit. The one person that i know will be there. Your pretty amazing. Lovee you lots.

You are the only person in this world that knows everything about me. The one person that i completely trust. The only person who can make me feel better when I'm down. You actually make me feel good about myself. The reason i haven't done somethings i shouldn't even be thinking about. You make me happy everyday, bring a smile to my face that's actually an honest I'm happy smile. According to my dad my face lights up every time i open my phone and read a text. The way you look at me, like there isn't any thing in the world you'd rather be doing, like i actually matter, baby that look, i can't even describe how it makes me feel. Something i haven't felt in a really long time. Self worth. You make me into the best person i can be. I cant help but smile when I'm around you. Your the best thing that's ever happened to me and i plan on holding on to you forever. I love you beautiful. More than life itself.

Pain.

Omfg my ankles hurt so bad. God please make it stop.

So I'm totally fucked since i was supposed to present today in computers. But i just couldn't take it anymore. I feel awful there's no way i was going to make it all the way through school. I barely made it through 1st and 2nd period with passing out or throwing up or both. So now I'm home alone crying out cause my joints hurt so bad. Is that normal? i don't think so.

I cant really think right now about anything other than how relieved i am to be home. I don't think i could take school today especially since shes not there. There isn't anything to get me through this class or that one. No light at the end of the tunnel. And with this pain? There was no fucking way.

Nick & Nora's infinite playlist:

• i want a night like that
• really? you couldn't find anywhere better than an ice room?
• Teaching her how to kiss him sounded fun =P
• I just wanna hold your hand- hes so right. that's really all i want, to just be with her
• The cover is pretty sexy, I'm thinking bout trying to recreate something like it in photoshop
• FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK... most common word
• Book Nick and movie Nick are totally not the same
• Getting walked in on sucks doesn't it?
• Such a moment killer
• I want a kool gay guy friend
• Neither of them are 100% straight, there's no way
• What no nasty gum in the book?
• I want a sequel

Dreams.

They show us what we want life to be like. Everything we wish for can come true as soon as we close our eyes. And its an amazing feeling to know that those dreams actually have a real shot at coming true. I had a really good dream last night and i cant wait for it to come true.

My day was actually pretty good today. I goofed off with my brother and made a totally kickass action movie. Ever tied your brother to a tree and pretended to stab him? Its pretty great =) Cept is was really cold outside and my fingers were like frozen which made texting reallyyy hard. Maybe ill upload the movie at some point after i finish editing it. I'm actually proud of it. That doesn't come around very often.

Besides that i watched a lot of Terminator and got caught up, that shows pretty funny if you ha vent seen it. Robots playing with transformer guy toy things are pretty great to watch. And i beat all the left 4 dead campaigns. Yes I'm a dork, but can you kill over six thousand zombies in one day?

Random thought: Safetysuit is the shit. and the new ADTR CD is pretty amazing.