I need to believe

I want to believe. In order to make it through this I have too.

Rescue is possible.

I wish that I could believe it. I wish there was something or someone that could make me.


At least I know I'm not alone.

---------------------------------------
Thursday. Fucking Thursday. This is absolutely killing me. You took the only thing i had left. My only escape. And you took it. Now I have nothing left.

Titles are for losers

As soon as I left everything came crashing back down. I really am reliant on you. Maybe it's unhealthy, but it's keeping me alive.

It's cold. Really really cold.

Being home alone isn't good for me.

I forgot how much I liked to be around you. There was a time when I spent pretty close to every waking moment with you. I remember why now. Thank you. For still being there when i needed you.

You are going to let me stay there for a week. God, If you knew how much i needed it. How much easier it would make everything. I doubt you would think twice about it. But I cant tell you. That would result in more doctor visits and more uncomfortable situations. Neither of which i can handle right now.

I'm sure the medication dosage change is having so much effect considering I'm not taking it. I need to have control over something. I need to be able to not focus. It makes life just a little bit easier to deal with.

Awwww your puppy is super cute. And super small. And she makes you happy. It's pretty much the best thing ever.

I was hardcore disappointed that i didnt get any alone time with you. I mean its monday and everything.

Hotsauce + chapped lips and tore up fingers = quite fucking fantastic

Every time the phone rang for the rest of the day my stomach dropped.

I need to dye over this mess. But i like it better this way than how it was yesterday.

Today when we were in the parking lot and it was nice out and we were smiling and laughing. It was as close to happy as i've been in a really long time.

I love you guys <3

Something's so sick about this, my misery's so addictive

But now I need you more than I ever have before. And theres even less of a chance of me getting that now. Baby I need you to hold me and tell me that everythings going to be okay. To tell me that we're all going to get through this and that I can put down the knife. I need you to kiss me and tell me that you love me. I need you kiss my forehead and run your fingers through my hair. I need you. So fucking bad. And knowing that I cant have you hurts more than all of this combined.

I got lost in the music today. I've missed that feeling, it hasnt happened in a while. I was able to feel and cry and not touch the blade.

Going to the doctors yesterday super scared me. I was there to discuss my mental health and prove that I was okay and such and what was I hiding under my shirt? Evidence that everything that I was saying was a lie.

Doctor: "Have you ever had any problems with cutting?"

Me:"No" (thinking) I already scanned this room for sharp objects, decided that there was no way that I could take one without my dad noticing and resorted to the pushpin in my side instead.

...I'm such a fucking hypocrite.


You guys are the only thing keeping me here. I love you with everything that I am <3