Lonely.

It's amazing how alone i feel here. I think it's because of how much i'd rather be with you. Either of you. A couple months ago i would have been with you constantly for ten whole days. I'd kill for an hour with you now. Laying next to her on complete opposite sides of the bed not touching at all makes it so much worse. I need human contact. I need to sleep next to you and feel a little less alone... like i'll be okay because you're with me. I miss that so much. I miss staying up and talking about cute girls or strip clubs or every little thing about my life. I miss being able to pour out my heart and know that at least for that moment I was okay. That I could be. I miss you. I don't know how making it through the rest of high school is possible. That's so far from now. I just want to cut.. and then curl up and cry... and I want you both to be there when I wake up. Whenever I hug you I hate letting go... it feels like years before i'll see you again.

I didn't want to stop. I wanted to keep hitting it until there was nothing left to hit with. I wanted to feel my bones break. But instead all i got was one punch. Painpainpainstingstingstingreliefreliefrelief.

Empty house. It needs to be taken advantage of. Though I stopped even hoping it's going to happen.

Baby, I need you to wrap your arms around me and make everything okay. I need you to kiss me soft and tell me you love me and make me forget that anything else exists. I need to feel your body against mine and feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I need you <3 I miss laying next to you more than I can put into words. I need it so much.. and knowing how long I'm going to have to wait to feel that again hurts so fucking much.

Fully automatic nerf guns are pretty damn fantastic. But all it makes me think about is that day we got those blaster things at Taco Bell. And how much fun it would be to have a super fight with them. And hardknocks. But shooting them at people made today a little be easier.
...Until I have to try and sleep.


I love you both so much it hurts <3

You need to get punched in the face

More like pushed off a bridge.

I've tried over and over again to try and understand what the hell is wrong with you. How you could knowingly do what you do to her. Do you even realize the affect you're having? Fuck you. Get over your own selfish feelings and realize how much fucking pain you're causing. But I know you wont. Not ever. So pushing you off a bridge seems to be the best solution.

I almost got up to walk down there when that rock broke like that. I wanted it. I wanted to feel my bones smash into a million pieces. We really shouldn't have been sitting on that ledge.

I ruined it. I ruined it all. One month down the drain. But it felt so good. I needed it. I've needed it for so long.

No classes, not even lunch? That's the only fucking time I have with you and now they're taking that too. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. I should've expected that. I don't know why I didn't.

So many fucking bug bites. Its quite ridiculous. But it was worth it. So so worth it. But I still must complain.

I should've just left last night. Then your parents wouldn't have known I was there. It would've saved you that conversation. I'm sorry.

I love you both <3

Yesterday

Was pretty fucking amazing. The entire day was pretty damn perfect.
School was pretty decent. The crazy laugh ness that was fifth period almost made me forget we were in school and not sitting in a tree somewhere laughing until it hurts. Bio and English and Geometry = nonstop ryan+jocelyn conversations. History with Lex who always manages to make me smile. After school before you left would have been enough to have me smiling all weekend baby.

Relay for life:

First half Burger king
Ryan
Courtney
Football
Lots and lots of walking
Grass
Mountain Dew
Flashback "remember when" conversations

Second half
Ana <3
More grass
Baseball fields
Kissing
Touching
Feeling
Some super fucking hot shorts
The loss of my ability to walk
Dark
Lights
Jocelyn Proof bra clasps
Grassgrassgrass
Skin
Hands
Tounge
Perfect
Love
Alive
Happy
Complete

I love you beautiful... so fucking much <3

And I love you too, 5th period really made me happy <3

One more thing about yesterday.
One month... one whole cut free month. I honestly never though I could do it. I have mixed feelings about it... on one hand i hate it so much, i want to scream and cut and cry. On the other hand I'm amazed at the happiness I'm feeling about yesterday... a day like that and I didn't need to cut to do it.

I need to believe

I want to believe. In order to make it through this I have too.

Rescue is possible.

I wish that I could believe it. I wish there was something or someone that could make me.


At least I know I'm not alone.

---------------------------------------
Thursday. Fucking Thursday. This is absolutely killing me. You took the only thing i had left. My only escape. And you took it. Now I have nothing left.

Titles are for losers

As soon as I left everything came crashing back down. I really am reliant on you. Maybe it's unhealthy, but it's keeping me alive.

It's cold. Really really cold.

Being home alone isn't good for me.

I forgot how much I liked to be around you. There was a time when I spent pretty close to every waking moment with you. I remember why now. Thank you. For still being there when i needed you.

You are going to let me stay there for a week. God, If you knew how much i needed it. How much easier it would make everything. I doubt you would think twice about it. But I cant tell you. That would result in more doctor visits and more uncomfortable situations. Neither of which i can handle right now.

I'm sure the medication dosage change is having so much effect considering I'm not taking it. I need to have control over something. I need to be able to not focus. It makes life just a little bit easier to deal with.

Awwww your puppy is super cute. And super small. And she makes you happy. It's pretty much the best thing ever.

I was hardcore disappointed that i didnt get any alone time with you. I mean its monday and everything.

Hotsauce + chapped lips and tore up fingers = quite fucking fantastic

Every time the phone rang for the rest of the day my stomach dropped.

I need to dye over this mess. But i like it better this way than how it was yesterday.

Today when we were in the parking lot and it was nice out and we were smiling and laughing. It was as close to happy as i've been in a really long time.

I love you guys <3

Something's so sick about this, my misery's so addictive

But now I need you more than I ever have before. And theres even less of a chance of me getting that now. Baby I need you to hold me and tell me that everythings going to be okay. To tell me that we're all going to get through this and that I can put down the knife. I need you to kiss me and tell me that you love me. I need you kiss my forehead and run your fingers through my hair. I need you. So fucking bad. And knowing that I cant have you hurts more than all of this combined.

I got lost in the music today. I've missed that feeling, it hasnt happened in a while. I was able to feel and cry and not touch the blade.

Going to the doctors yesterday super scared me. I was there to discuss my mental health and prove that I was okay and such and what was I hiding under my shirt? Evidence that everything that I was saying was a lie.

Doctor: "Have you ever had any problems with cutting?"

Me:"No" (thinking) I already scanned this room for sharp objects, decided that there was no way that I could take one without my dad noticing and resorted to the pushpin in my side instead.

...I'm such a fucking hypocrite.


You guys are the only thing keeping me here. I love you with everything that I am <3

We feel like us again

I missed this, I missed us. Everything feels right again. I love you baby.
Always&forever

-I don't even care anymore. I did care, a whole hell of a lot. But then you went and made it worse. I missed you, I stilled cared about you. But now i just don't understand how you turned into this person. This person who can't even put anything into perspective. I just don't understand, and I'm done trying. I'm done wasting my energy and thoughts on this. I'm done with it all. And I really don't like this new you. In fact I think you're super mean. And super mean to the people I care most about. So stay away from them. They don't need you hurting them too.

This week had been pretty damn fantastic.

I'm trying to post a happy blog. Not post any of those thoughts. So I'm just going to end it there.

I love you guys.
and I love my amazingly beautiful girlfriend <3