I need to believe

I want to believe. In order to make it through this I have too.

Rescue is possible.

I wish that I could believe it. I wish there was something or someone that could make me.


At least I know I'm not alone.

---------------------------------------
Thursday. Fucking Thursday. This is absolutely killing me. You took the only thing i had left. My only escape. And you took it. Now I have nothing left.

Titles are for losers

As soon as I left everything came crashing back down. I really am reliant on you. Maybe it's unhealthy, but it's keeping me alive.

It's cold. Really really cold.

Being home alone isn't good for me.

I forgot how much I liked to be around you. There was a time when I spent pretty close to every waking moment with you. I remember why now. Thank you. For still being there when i needed you.

You are going to let me stay there for a week. God, If you knew how much i needed it. How much easier it would make everything. I doubt you would think twice about it. But I cant tell you. That would result in more doctor visits and more uncomfortable situations. Neither of which i can handle right now.

I'm sure the medication dosage change is having so much effect considering I'm not taking it. I need to have control over something. I need to be able to not focus. It makes life just a little bit easier to deal with.

Awwww your puppy is super cute. And super small. And she makes you happy. It's pretty much the best thing ever.

I was hardcore disappointed that i didnt get any alone time with you. I mean its monday and everything.

Hotsauce + chapped lips and tore up fingers = quite fucking fantastic

Every time the phone rang for the rest of the day my stomach dropped.

I need to dye over this mess. But i like it better this way than how it was yesterday.

Today when we were in the parking lot and it was nice out and we were smiling and laughing. It was as close to happy as i've been in a really long time.

I love you guys <3

Something's so sick about this, my misery's so addictive

But now I need you more than I ever have before. And theres even less of a chance of me getting that now. Baby I need you to hold me and tell me that everythings going to be okay. To tell me that we're all going to get through this and that I can put down the knife. I need you to kiss me and tell me that you love me. I need you kiss my forehead and run your fingers through my hair. I need you. So fucking bad. And knowing that I cant have you hurts more than all of this combined.

I got lost in the music today. I've missed that feeling, it hasnt happened in a while. I was able to feel and cry and not touch the blade.

Going to the doctors yesterday super scared me. I was there to discuss my mental health and prove that I was okay and such and what was I hiding under my shirt? Evidence that everything that I was saying was a lie.

Doctor: "Have you ever had any problems with cutting?"

Me:"No" (thinking) I already scanned this room for sharp objects, decided that there was no way that I could take one without my dad noticing and resorted to the pushpin in my side instead.

...I'm such a fucking hypocrite.


You guys are the only thing keeping me here. I love you with everything that I am <3

We feel like us again

I missed this, I missed us. Everything feels right again. I love you baby.
Always&forever

-I don't even care anymore. I did care, a whole hell of a lot. But then you went and made it worse. I missed you, I stilled cared about you. But now i just don't understand how you turned into this person. This person who can't even put anything into perspective. I just don't understand, and I'm done trying. I'm done wasting my energy and thoughts on this. I'm done with it all. And I really don't like this new you. In fact I think you're super mean. And super mean to the people I care most about. So stay away from them. They don't need you hurting them too.

This week had been pretty damn fantastic.

I'm trying to post a happy blog. Not post any of those thoughts. So I'm just going to end it there.

I love you guys.
and I love my amazingly beautiful girlfriend <3

Love.

You knew we'd be there, or at least you knew I would be. I care about you too much to let you do that alone. You will never have to, I'm not going anywhere.

My rubberband seems to be working for now. Or it's taking the edge off at least. My jeans are in just the right place. They move up and down perfectly positioned, an amazing reminder.

You were super cute at carline today. All tired and happy. It made me smile, an honest smile. You make everything seem just a little bit brighter. I love you baby <3

I can't fix this, and i don't know how to handle it. I need to make it all better. Or manageable at least. I want to keep you both with me all the time. To see that you're okay. To be there to help you be okay. I need you with me all the time, to keep me okay. I can't do this alone, not again. Sitting in my room for endless hours makes it impossible to keep my mind on things other than the pushpins on my wall, or the incredible sharpness of my ninja stars... (that are now in Rachel's possession). I don't know how to make it stop. Someone please make it go away. Please... I'm begging you... I can't take it.

I want to makeout in front of you, invite you to a strip club, and talk about how I'd give anything to have some mindblowing sex with my crazy hot girlfriend.

That is all...
I love you, and you, and you <3

Thank you

Why?